


Sticky End

by trashphantato



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Siblings, Classical Music, Death, Drama & Romance, F/M, Forbidden Love, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Incest, Letters, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Timeline What Timeline, Writing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-05 09:30:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 23,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17322425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashphantato/pseuds/trashphantato
Summary: Dan and Phil were separated at a young age due to the harsh life they were living in. Both brothers remained hopeful clinging onto the promise of meeting each other.Seven years later, they were finally given the chance to reunite. But a lot of things have changed.They grew up. And as they stood in front of each other after all those years. Something inside them started to grow too.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> (Disclaimer: The tags will most probably give the story away if I specify too much. It's not as bad at it looks. I swear.)
> 
> Hey pals! So a quick A/N, this is the 3rd version of this story since I have it posted in a different site, under a different fandom.
> 
> I decided to rewrite this to fit the Phandom.  
> So if you see a similar story somewhere out there, just know I wrote that too.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

Two feet above the ground. 

Lights flickering from up the old wooden ceiling, with the ceiling fan unstable. Pair of eyes slowly dimming, lips starts to turn purple. 

A body that gracefully sways in Chopin’s Prelude Op.28 No.4 that was kept on repeat. It swayed, swayed, and kept on swaying. Impeccable, breathtaking, it was a sight to see. 

Soft curly brown locks flowed with the winter breeze. Dimmed eyes locked upon the open window, chapped lips that left a grin.

It was a sticky end for them.

But no one ever asked if it was the same for the graceful person that danced. His body danced happily. A happiness that no one else was capable to fathom

The joy of realizing he was free, free to dance into the beautiful piano song without anyone bothering him. No one to look at him with distasteful stares, no one to hold him back.

In the midst of dancing, he rekindles a fire from the ashes. His chapped purple lips grin a little bit more.

Nineteen years ago, he was five. It was the year for glee and unmeasured joyfulness for being a child. He was undeniably happy, he had everything he wanted. Just who would have thought that the happiness he felt could be taken away from him?

He was seven, when things started to fall apart. From his family drastically being sucked up by poverty and getting drowned in debt, up to losing them. His dad died due to a sickness, while his only brother Phil who was eleven that time, was needed to be left in Manchester for their mother couldn’t afford taking him with them to America. 

‘Will I get to see you this summer?’ Dan asked his older brother as he painfully cried. They stood in the middle of the busy train station where his brother was about to ride the train to Manchester, where their Auntie Barbara lived. Phil put down the luggage he was carrying and went towards to embrace him. It made Dan cry even harder. ‘I promise you we’ll see each other, okay? Stop crying like a wimp’ he joked, as he lightly hits his younger brother’s back.

With his head nodding, Dan wiped his tears away as he muttered, ‘I promise to be a good boy until then’

‘That’s better, good job... Don’t cause trouble for mother, alright?’ Phil said as he rubbed circles onto his brother’s back, and Dan did his best to stop himself from crying more.

They interlocked their pinkies and promised to each other, a heartwarming scene to look at. But it was a sad view, they were too young to experience distraught, but being too young did not keep all unfortunate things from happening to them. 

After two years of being left in their Auntie Barbara’s care Phil had grown accustomed to the hard life he was living. Without their father, his mother needed to become the bread winner and due to economic problems happening to their country, she had no choice but to find employment in America. Two years also stands for how long he hasn’t seen both his mother and his younger brother, but fortunately he knew that they were doing well for he was able to exchange letters with Dan.

‘I’ve been doing well in school’ Dan’s penmanship was neat, even though for a nine year old... Phil thought every time he read his younger brother’s letters.

‘Tomorrow, we’ll be having an event at school, it’s called ‘Family Day’. I won’t be participating.’ The words were heavy, and it made Phil wonder what expression Dan used when he was writing them down. Was he sad? Was he disappointed? Did he cry? 

‘I’ve grew fond of classical music, Phil. It reminds me of Dad. It’s very relaxing. I thought you should try listening too.’ Phil trusted his brother’s words that much that when he read the letter he immediately rented records of classical music... From Beethoven, Chopin, Mozart up to Yimura. He wanted to listen to them, and imagine that he was back in their living room sofa, sitting down with his younger brother sleeping beside him. Just like how they used to.

‘What did you like most, Phil? I loved Chopin’s Prelude Op.28 No.4 the music just speaks to me... it feels like it’s luring me into a deep slumber. I can’t help loving it.’ He soon learned to love the song even more than the first time he heard it. Its sad tone reminds him of the life they were living in. Maybe Dan felt the same too? If so, why doesn’t he complain? Phil thought deeply every time. He pitied him, for a ten year old to speak in such a mature way... Just what is Dan feeling inside?

The exchanges of letters continued, not one he thought of throwing away. Neatly, organized, he kept them in one shoe box until it became two up until its number grew. Then the thought passes through his mind... Does he keep his letters as well? Curiousness ate him and as if greed took over him, Phil wanted to know more of his brother. He selfishly looked for his brother more. His words in the letters were not enough. As the days and nights passed, a recurring question would float around inside his head, ‘Just when can they meet again?’


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil finally reunites after seven years.

When Phil graduated from high school their mother decided that it was time for him to move out from his Aunt’s place and rent his own apartment, it was also so that he could find a job and start working. It had been long enough to make him stay with their aunt, and their mother didn’t want to keep her children apart any longer.

She saw an opportunity to send Dan back to England, and she didn’t think twice. Their mother knew that America wasn’t the best place for her youngest son, and no one disagreed with her. When Phil found out about it, he felt terrified at the same time happy. How long has he been hoping to see his younger brother? 

And now the time has finally come.

The day eventually came, the day when Dan flew back from America, and as Phil patiently waited at the airport; thoughts just came flooding his mind. There was no use trying to flush them away.

‘It’s been seven years since we last saw each other... just what does he look like?’

‘Does he remember what I look like?’

‘Maybe I should have brought something for him; he must be starving from the flight’

Thinking just made him grow even more nervous, what expression would his brother make? Will he be happy? Or will he frown at him, blaming him for not persuading their mother to just let him stay with her? Blaming him for making him leave their mother alone in another country?

Without Phil noticing, there was a young man standing straight in front of him just stuck staring at him. Dan waited, and thought.

‘Maybe he forgot what I looked like’ he sighed, with a slight smirk forming on his lips.

Dan cleared his throat, and it was effective enough to make the bewildered Phil look at his direction. Phil found a young man with well carved features that gave a weird thump to his heart. They stood straight as they looked at each other, as if they were absorbing everything. The young man cleared his throat once more and started to talk,

‘It’s been a long time,’ he started, ‘I guess you have forgotten what I looked like, Phil.’ Mesmerized, he couldn’t believe it was his younger brother Dan. He was last seen seven years ago, wearing a worn out jersey with messy hair, with teary eyes and snot filled nose.

Now in front of his brother he still a worn out looking maroon hoodie but he held himself differently, for he was not the seven year old young boy who left but he was the fourteen year old young man that has grown independent. His chubby cheeks were gone and as his thin pink lips formed a smile his dimple showed. It was deeper than the last time he saw it. Dan’s white skin was now sun kissed, probably because of the duration of his stay in Florida and it made him glow radiant under the lights from inside the airport. The bouncy curly brown locks he previously had were gone, and his hair was straight and it made Dan look older than he really was. Scratch that, mature – it made him look mature. 

Phil was awestruck with his beautiful younger brother that he didn’t realize that they were sharing the same feeling. As though a devil mischievously whispered something into Dan’s ear, he heard the piano song playing; ‘Do You?’ by Yimura, and his heart trembled at the sight of his handsome older brother. Dan could feel Phil’s ocean blue eyes burning as they peered, studying him from head to feet, and he couldn’t blame him. He was doing the same.

And then again, who could blame him from staring too? The hair that was once orange-brown in color turned into completely black and he had a fringe that was long enough to cover half of his face, and the chubby boy turned into a tall man with a thin built. The small voice Dan remembered bidding him farewell was definitely gone, and a new deeper voice greeted him.

With Dan busy with his own thoughts, Phil swallowed the built up saliva from the nervousness devouring him as he thought, ‘How could a boy be so stunningly beautiful?’ he clicked his tongue, ‘It awfully doesn’t seem real...’

As their eyes met, silently gazing at one another. He could hear his frantic heart beat from his ears, as if trying to warn him. Phil was at lost with what to do. Seeing his brother after so many years looking so gorgeous made him want to bury himself alive. With that sudden realization, he decided to keep distance from Dan as much as possible for he was afraid of committing a sin worse than anything he could ever commit. He was afraid of falling in love with his younger brother.

Few months of being together under one roof, they were awkwardly silent. Dan didn’t want that, but he had no choice. Phil on the other hand silently struggles to keep himself intact. What the hell is wrong with him? Why does he see his younger brother this way? Why does he make him feel confused? He wondered all these thoughts, and they were eating him alive.  
Dan completely hated the fact that they would only hold conversations just to talk about what they would get for dinner, payment about the bills and rarely how their day went, but not one conversation lasted longer than a couple of minutes.

They were living in the same cooped up apartment somewhere in Manchester, but they act as if they don’t know each other every day. Dan could not blame Phil, not one bit, it was only natural he would act that way because they were not able to see each other for a long time. He understood that his older brother might hate him at one point, they left him alone all these years to fend for himself. But even with that understanding it still pains Dan, not only because he was the only brother he could rely on, but also because Dan undeniably knows that he doesn’t see Phil only as his brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals!
> 
> Some parts are short and less than a thousand words, so I decided I'll be posting multiple parts in some days. (Depending on the length of each part)
> 
> Happy reading~


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years passed by, and both Dan and Phil learned how to cope with their feelings with one another. They grew closer, and felt contented with what they have.
> 
> That was what Dan thought, until one particular day arrived...

Eventually years passed by them, and both learned to adjust with each other’s presence, as well as learn to hide their atypical feelings for each other. Their short conversations started to grow longer as well, most of the times they would talk about classical music like how it was in the letters. After all, it had always been their way to connect with one another.

‘Just how much did you listen to them when we talked about it?’ Dan asked.

Timidly Phil would give a laugh and answer, ‘I really have no idea.’

Conversations were hard for Dan, but for some reason they were easy to have with Phil. Silence didn’t do any good for them during the first year together, and it was a mutual understanding that they needed to communicate. With extra effort, and a lot of awkward conversation starters they grew accustomed to how they approached one another. The achievement of being able to finally talk made each other look forward to going home, and spending the rest of the day inside their apartment.

Then before they knew it, the day came when Dan finally graduated. Although their mother wasn’t able to be there for his graduation he was still happy because it eventually meant he would be able to help Phil with working for their family. Being under his brother's supervision, he wasn’t encouraged to take part time jobs because Phil wanted him to focus solely on studying. It, of course, made Dan feel like a burden to his brother, and it made him work hard to get the highest grades possible. Dan easily found a job in a middle ground company with his good marks, and they were generous to offer helping him with studying at a university while he worked under them. It was truly a blessing for the family, and the dream of finally having their mother join them drew closer into becoming a reality.

Their days were in routine. Waking up in the morning, they’d use ‘rock, paper, and scissors’ as a way to decide who gets to make breakfast, and wash the dishes. It would be the same for dinner. Life was hard, but it was also good. It was enough for them. Truthfully, just being able to feel comfortable in the same small space they called home was enough for them.

When they had extra money, they would treat themselves to their favorite caramel macchiato as they sat down on the sofa at Starbuck’s sharing earphones as they listened to classical music with books in their hands then discussing each chapter they’ve finished during dinner. Some days they’d stay up late and watch movies or series together, other days they’d just do random stuffs that made them laugh. It was as if they were making up for every moment they had lost with each other.

During their birthdays they would usually go out and eat then buy a gift for the celebrant, sometimes two when they can, and it was fun finding each other’s interest. Dan found out how much Phil loved socks after years of living with him, and being used to finding socks all around the house. While Phil learned how much Dan loved scented candles as much as he did. As for Christmas presents, they got themselves individual presents, each for the other and a gift they could share at home. It always felt fulfilling whenever they saw how much they loved the presents received. They felt complete making each other happy, and they didn’t have to hide it.

Dan felt so contented with what they had. He didn’t need to elaborate his understanding for his own feelings... what they had were what he could have, and he was happy about it. Although that was what he thought until a particular day arrived.

It was a Sunday morning, a normal day for both of them—or it should have been. Usually it was the day for binge watching series while eating carbs in front of their secondhand television, but it was an hour pass noon and Dan found himself in front of a young woman, with straight brunette hair that reached her shoulders, pretty pink natural lips, bright brown eyes, and Dan felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he watched her clinging onto the arm of his beloved brother. Just where did she come from?

‘She’s Cat, my girlfriend’ Phil finally introduced, ‘and this is my younger brother, Dan.’

Painfully, Dan watched how his brother’s hand pressed his girlfriend’s slim hands. She smiled greatly as she greeted, but Dan couldn’t hear what she said. His ears just weren’t working then. It stung his heart and he felt like it was crumbling into tiny pieces. The sudden realization that his brother found someone he loved, someone Dan cannot be, and someone who’s going to steal Phil away from him. He wanted to cry, but he had to restrain himself as he stood there in front of them.

Nights suddenly became lonely for Dan, at seven o’clock they should be having dinner and talk about how their day has gone before proceeding with sharing chores then listening to classical music or to watch or to play board games until they grew tired enough to go to sleep. But now he sat alone at the dining table, staring at his mockingly colorful plate of food that tasted bland no matter how good it looked. How could he enjoy his meal when his lovely brother was with his girlfriend probably having a romantic dinner, in a place like hell he’d know.

When it becomes too unbearable for Dan and made him want to cry, he would hide inside their bathroom and weep like he hasn’t cried for years. He knew at one point he’d have to face something like this, but he never did make himself ready to take it. He couldn’t do anything, he was powerless and he understood that he was in no position to confess. They were brothers. Just the word itself was enough to pierce his heart.

‘Isn’t this great, Dan?’ Phil asked as they sat down patiently waiting for their order to arrive. He was sitting beside his girlfriend, Cat right in front of Dan at a restaurant the girl suggested.

‘Yes... its great’ Dan weakly answered, while he busied himself with practicing napkin folding because he wanted to do anything as a distraction from seeing the scene in front of him.

It might have not been the best decision for Dan to have lunch with them, but he had no choice. Phil practically pleaded to him, saying that he wanted to spend some time with two of the most important individuals to him. He wanted to shut him down, but how could he with the hopeful look in his brother’s beautiful blue eyes?

Eating at a fine dining restaurant was never a thing for Dan, growing up with a household that had financial problems, he had no chance to indulge himself with luxurious food. Cat, on the other hand had a golden spoon in her mouth since she stepped into this world. She was too good for Phil, Dan quietly thought. But that didn’t stop their relationship. Seeing how perfect Cat could be, there was no chance Phil would let her go. No one in the right mind would let a woman like that go. Dan just never thought he would be able to face someone like that... and to think it would be his brother’s girlfriend.

            In the midst of waiting, out of the blue another man came and greeted Phil. Their ice broke as Phil sees his old friend from high school, Chris.

‘Dan, Cat, this is my friend Chris’ cheerfully, Phil introduced him.

The two friends were laughing gleefully as they started to reminisce their times together, it was only then when Chris remembered that he was with their other batch mates.

‘I’m going to borrow Philip for a while, okay?’ Chris gave a smile that made his eyes squint a little more. Both Dan and Cat couldn’t interfere, and they watched as Phil was practically dragged out of the restaurant.

            Slowly, silence started to overthrow their peaceful atmosphere, it was deafening. Cat didn’t want that, so she started a conversation.

‘I had few chances to talk about you with Phil,’ she started ‘he never really liked to talk about you, were you aware of that?’ she chuckled and tried to read Dan’s reaction. He tried to keep his poker face on, but damn it was painful enough to hear.

‘I’m so glad to have this chance to have a moment with you’ she smiled gleefully then took a deep breath before she continued, ‘Since we have no idea about each other, why don’t we talk about something we both know?’

Dan looked at her and met with her intimidating gaze, ‘Let’s talk about Phil, you don't mind that won’t you?’ she asked. Being the competitive type he is, Dan didn’t want to lose to her, so he agreed.

‘You should know Phil is a real catch. He’s the complete package’ Cat said ‘Everyone at work loved him, his cheerfulness, handsome face, his intellect and his creativeness... Everyone wanted him’ she sighed, ‘too bad it was obvious he was in love with someone’

Dan’s face twitched hearing the last words that she uttered, and Cat noticed, making her smile ‘And luckily it was me who he loved’ her smile turned into a grin. It pierced his heart, making Dan lose his poker face and turning it into a sour look.

‘Did that hurt you? Oh, apologies for my rudeness’ Cat exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand. When Dan didn’t respond, she placed her hand back on her lap and said, ‘If I were you, I’d give up on him’

Dan could not help himself frown, feeling a slight panic developing inside him ‘What are you talking about?’ he hissed.

‘I know you guys are brothers; don’t you think that’s logical enough to be a reason as to why you can’t hold onto these feelings?’ She chuckled at the shocked expression in Dan’s face

                ‘What the hell are you going on about? He is my brother, and I see no reason why I can’t disapprove of who he goes out with. Especially if it’s someone like you’

                ‘I’m not stupid, Daniel’ she chuckled, ‘I know you hate me not because I’m too good for Phil, and not because you think I’m just using him to pass the time’ she paused and waited for a reply, but when Dan stayed quiet with a straight face, Cat continued, ‘Dan, you’re handsome and smart. Make a good use of that blessing and make others fall for you.’

                ‘You can keep your mouth running with rubbish, you sound mad and it suits you’ he sniggered, trying to continue putting up the false confidence that was slowly crumbling. His anxiety was devouring him. Thoughts flooded as he stared at Cat’s fiery eyes.

Smiling, the woman started, ‘Let me tell you a story, about someone who fell into a forbidden love… This person fell in love with his older sibling,’ she paused to take a deep breath, studying the person sitting in front of her, then she continued, 'That person continued to hold on to what he felt, and hoped for the best even though he knows more than anyone that it's impossible... he waited, and waited until he couldn't take it' crossing her slender arms she asked, 'What do you think happened next?'

Dan shrugged his shoulders, as if he didn't have any fucks to give to what she's saying, but it was nerve wrecking being attacked this way because he knew he couldn't defend himself without giving anything away. He wouldn't let that happen. He wouldn't let himself feed this woman's ego, not one bit.

With a sigh she continued, 'Well his sibling found out, and sadly, it didn't turn out great.' She replaced her mocking expression with a gloomy one, and with a soft tone she added, 'They ended up growing farther away from each other... Their relationship as a family was destroyed. His sibling couldn't stomach the thought of it. He was utterly humiliated and disgusted. And wouldn't you say the same?'

Cat stood up then leaned towards Dan over their small round table, she was close enough that he could smell the expensive perfume she was wearing and softly she whispered into his ear, ‘Isn’t it disgusting to lust over your own sibling?’ she chuckled ‘What do you think would happen if we put both of you in the same scenario? Imagine being the person who falls in love with his brother, and Phil of course, is the sibling. Wouldn’t Phil think of the same? A younger brother that fawns over him, such a lust, he’s going to loathe you, abhor you... and isn’t that pitiful?’

‘To be hated by the person you loved most’

It was a nightmare, as he lied down at his bed staring at the ceiling; he remembered the hateful event that happened that afternoon. He couldn’t deny the fact that the bitch was right, she was undeniably right in every aspect. It burned his heart, roasted even more. Dan couldn’t help himself; he knew that he had fallen madly, deeply in love with Phil. But he had to bottle them up, fearing the day would come when he couldn’t help it and confess.

‘He’s going to loathe you, abhor you...’ Cat’s voice suddenly ran through his mind. No, he thought... he didn’t want to be hated by Phil. He would never do anything to make Phil hate him...

Undecided, he cried and drowned himself in his tears as he fell asleep. With the floating question up above his head, ‘Why did this have to happen? It wasn’t as if I wished for this!’


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A year passed, Dan and Phil moves to London. Their move brings forth new things, it also eventually provides Dan a chance to reunite with an old friend from Florida.

A year seemingly passed by like air, it was dreadful getting used to less time with each other and there was no chance of getting the intruder out of their lives, but fortunately everything was going smoothly. Things got better for them when Phil was given a promotion, giving them the chance to move out of their Manchester apartment into a bigger but older apartment in the heart of London. 

Of course, this meant that there were some sacrifices needed to be made, and Dan needed to find a new job just when he was finally getting recognized in his previous company. But as it was, they couldn’t agree on leaving one another for the second time, so Phil did his best in supporting Dan look for a new job in a new place.

Maybe luck was on their side, and he found a well-paying job in a known multinational company in just two weeks of moving into London. And Phil wouldn’t let this chance to celebrate slip away from them, in fact on the night Dan got the confirmation call they ordered four boxes of pizzas with their favorite side dishes and dessert. They ate almost all of it as they watched movies they rented. They felt like two pesky children going behind their mother’s back, forgetting about their curfew and eating all the junk foods they could have. It was delightful. 

With Phil’s time being divided to his brother and his girlfriend, he made sure to always, always, make it up to him. And this was one of many occasions he would never miss out on, and Dan was thankful for every effort that made him feel special.

After the movie, they cleaned up their mess because after all they were adults, and they didn't have anyone to rely on to clean for them. Phil lost their round of ‘rock, paper, scissors’, and as he washed the dishes and glasses they used, Dan took a bath. With two cups of warm milk tea with honey, Phil sat on their kitchen counter. His brother came to the kitchen with a towel on his neck, and damp hair. Sitting down in front of Phil, he took the cup, and welcomed the warmth of the drink.

‘Do you still feel the need to straighten your hair everyday?’ Phil suddenly asked as he watched a drop of water fall from the tip of Dan's curly brown hair. He didn’t know why he felt the urge to bring it up, but maybe he just missed seeing Dan's soft natural curls.

Chuckling at his brother's question, Dan ruffled his hair with his towel and answered, ‘If I want to look like a poodle, that's the time I'll probably stop’

‘A poodle? What's wrong with that? Poodles, dogs, in general, are cute aren’t they?’ Phil spoke innocently, his eyes continued to linger on the curls forming on top of Dan's head. He was too focused on his hair that Phil didn’t see how bright Dan's cheeks burned at his careless statement.

‘Y-You think it's better to keep the curls?’ he asked as his fingers tapped a beat on his mug. A beat that mimicked the thump inside his chest.

Phil smiled, gleaming blue eyes turned to Dan's deep brown one's, ‘Yeah, mom loved them. I loved brushing your hair every night, it was your kind of lullaby remember?’

He nodded, Dan felt nostalgic, ‘I loved the feeling of my hair being brushed until I fell asleep'

‘It'll also save us a few pounds from the electricity bills, don't you think?’ Phil grinned

‘Jerk, so that was it was about was it?’ Dan shook his head with a grin on his lips as well. ‘Fine, we’ll make a deal. I’ll try to accept the curls, if your try to get rid of your emo fringe you’ve been keeping for years’ he pointed at his brother’s long fringe as their eyes locked on each other.

Phil’s mouth fell agape as his hand fell on his fringe, Dan looked like he was determined for the challenge and the look on their faces made both of them burst into a fit of laughter. With their mugs in their hands. With the warmth of their drinks fading their hearts grew warmer along with the sounds of their laughter echoing inside their apartment.

Even though Dan had a hard time hiding his feelings, he made sure to keep them intact. Pitiful, he would think every night why he couldn't move on and accept reality. Then again, he had nothing else to do but endure it.

'Hey Danny' Anthony, his friend called, and as he heard his voice Dan automatically looked back to see the young man running towards him with a smile.

'Anthony, stop calling me Danny. It's embarrassing- we're twenty-one for Christ's sake' Dan hissed, but Anthony continued to smile as he grasped for air, 'Don't be like that, Danny. It sounds adorable just like you'

Dan hit his shoulders as they laughed, walking out of their workplace. Anthony was his first friend from Florida; they got separated when Dan returned to England. It was a just when Dan entered his new job when they had an unexpected reunion at the office, turned out that Anthony was sent by the American branch for training and from then on, they started to catch up with one another.

They sat facing each other at their usual cafe, talking about how their day has gone and what they wanted to do over the weekend. Anthony was the same, from then until now, he only grew outside. It made Dan automatically feel comfortable with him. They would laugh as they reminisced their childhood, and tried to make new enjoyable memories.

In the eye of the bystanders, they looked like inseparable friends. Always together, always there for each other, it looked like no one could come between them. They were both undeniably attractive which made girls flock over them, but it was obvious in their eyes that both of the guys were already in love with someone else.

What they didn’t know was the fact that Dan still kept his strong feelings for his brother, Phil. Meanwhile, Anthony was gradually falling in love with Dan. It was weird at first, and he thought,  
'How could I fall in love with another man?’ 

But as their relationship grew closer nothing minded for him. He just accepted his feelings.

‘How long can I keep my feelings for him?’ Anthony thought. Even back then, in America, he might have had always liked Dan but he always brushed it off as liking him only as a friend. Only when they got separated he felt unusually depressed, and he finally realized. It was a certain melancholy or longing he didn't feel for anyone, but Dan.

Anthony waited for the time when they reunited once again, and a year ago he was given that chance when he was given an opportunity to fly to London where he planned on looking for Dan, and who would’ve thought that he was actually working in the same company as him? It was as if fate was pulling them together, and Anthony knew it was a second chance from the universe. A chance to pursue the one he loves. But he couldn’t help but notice how Dan was different since they last met... he wanted to cease his own understanding, but knowing Dan well, he could not turn his attention away. He knew that Dan was in love with someone else.

'Hey Anthony, I'm sorry I can't walk to the bus stop with you today' Dan said as they ate lunch. Together, they sat at the cafeteria sharing meals.

'It's okay,' Anthony replied, 'can I ask why though?'

Dan looked at him and gave a beaming smile showing his dimple along with his pearly whites, it was the smile that makes him fall in love with him over and over, then answered,  
'Phil said he wanted to eat dinner with me today, so he’s taking me to a restaurant'

Dan was too gleeful today, Anthony thought. Although he couldn't understand the reason beforehand, he knew it had something to do with Phil.

He had no choice but to give him a weak smile as he replied, 'Great'

As the clock ticked to four-thirty o'clock it signed for them to go home. Anthony walked with Dan until they got out of the building. As they saw Phil waiting with a cab, Anthony watched how Dan's plain smile turned into something he had never seen before. He watched how Dan’s usual brown eyes gleamed as his smile grew wide making his dimple appear deeper, and his face bloomed like a flower in spring.

It was that expression. The expression he wanted to give to Dan, he wanted to be the one who makes him do that. It was painful, he felt his heart shattering as Dan jogged happily towards Phil. He did not want to believe what he thought, but seeing it happening in front of him... he could not deny it anymore.

Dan, the person he loves, is in love with his own brother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy,
> 
> So I know 'that' ship isn't really a thing anymore (or wasn't actually) but I hope you guys don't hate it too much!
> 
> I sure tried not to. (Lmao)
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for reading! Hope you stay with me until the end.(/◕ヮ◕)/


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil breaks out news that was far too unbearable for his brother to handle. This pushes Dan to pursue the only path he believed he could take. The only path that could distract him from the pain. The path to help him cope with the pain. Even though it might not be the best.

The cab stopped in front of a restaurant called, ‘Cibo Squisito’. When they got in Dan saw a splendid interior. It felt like they were stepping into a completely different country. It was overwhelming, and he felt as if he wasn’t supposed to be there. Turning to his brother, he found Phil smiling brightly towards him, and suddenly he felt completely at home.

‘It’s all on me tonight, Dan’ Phil said as they opened the menu, Dan couldn’t help but smile back at him. He always wanted to have a dinner in a restaurant he hasn’t been into with his brother. Although he’s been eager to ask him the reason for this grand dinner, Dan kept himself from doing so. He didn’t want to spoil the fun by forcing Phil to talk. But he knew there had to be something special to make Dan treat him out.

They ate and talked peacefully, Dan could feel his heart fleeting from over joy. A fancy dinner with Phil was perfect—he didn’t want it to end just yet... He wanted more, more time... more memories with him just like this. Just the two of them in a completely faraway place, because to Dan wherever he was with Phil felt like home. But life didn’t want what his heart wished for—as if it was mocking him... their happy moment was painfully brushed off when Phil said,

‘I’m moving in with Cat, Daniel’

Dan’s smile faded as he heard those words, ‘But it’s been just a year since you met her...’ he said weakly, biting his inner cheek to keep himself from speaking even more.

Phil nodded with a smile plastered on his face, and his bright cheerful smile broke Dan’s crumbling heart even more, ‘that’s true, but we’ve made plans... we’re ready for our future, Dan’

‘B-but you’re still young, you don’t need to rush things’ Dan added

‘I’ve also told mom about it, even Cat’s parents agreed to it’ Phil continued as if he was being ignored

‘Is this the reason for this dinner?’ Dan finally asked

Phil nodded once more and with a smile he said, ‘Yes, Cat actually suggested it’

‘Are you really serious about her?’ Dan asked without thinking, his fingers were burying deep inside his palms, and the pain wasn’t enough to distract him from the ache in his chest.

‘O-Of course... I wouldn’t have thought about moving in with her if I wasn’t’

Hearing those words were the last he could endure, and he couldn’t help it. Dan stood up, and it startled Phil, making him question his brother’s action.  
‘What’s wrong, Dan?’

‘T-thanks for the meal... I forgot I still have prior engagements’

Then without looking back, he ran off. Outside, he took a cab and called his friend, he asked him to meet up and grab a drink. Anthony told Dan his apartment address, and it was probably the best place he could go to which was far away from the restaurant he was from. Dan just wanted to drown himself in booze and try to force himself numb from the pain that was killing him.

‘What happened, Danny?’ Anthony asked as he watched his friend’s pitiful state.

‘Nothing... nothing good ever happens to me’ He bitterly answered

‘What did Phil say? What happened during your dinner?’

Dan looked at Anthony, and suddenly tears started streaming down his cheeks and he just couldn’t manage to speak anymore. Painfully, he sobbed in front of Anthony who was left to watch him.

‘What happened, Dan? Tell me...’

Dan shook his head and continued to drink his beer as he sobbed. Anthony couldn’t stomach watching Dan so he pulled his wrist and said,

‘I don’t know what happened to you back there but you need to remember that I’ll always be here for you, Dan... I’m not going to turn my back away from you’

‘Even when something might be terribly wrong with me?’ Dan asked. He hated the way he felt. He hated hearing the pity in his own voice. But he wanted it. He needed it.

Anthony shook his head, ‘Nothing can ever be wrong with you, you’re perfect just the way you are’

‘I’m madly and deeply in love with my younger brother, aren’t I disgusting?’ Dan smirked as he chuckled at what he just said. He couldn’t help it, even he feels disgusted with himself. He hated himself to the very core... the pain he was feeling not being able to be happy for his younger brother like any normal older brother for finding someone he loved. He hated it.

‘You don't need to respond, I’m sorry for being such a burden to you Anthony, it’s not fair for you to put up with this shit that I am... I’d understand to the fullest if you wouldn’t talk to me anymore, tomorrow or the following days...’ Dan took another can of beer and drunk more.

‘I don’t think you’re disgusting, Dan’ Anthony spoke, his voice was pure and determined it made Dan look at him with a puzzled look. 

Chuckling, Dan said, ‘You’re drunk, Anthony... it’s okay’

'I love you, Dan’ he suddenly grabbed Dan’s chilly hands and looked him into his eyes.

Dan was confused, dumbfounded with what Anthony had just said. But with the look in his eyes, he knew that his friend was sincere to the fullest. As their fingers intertwined with one another, Dan felt the need of comfort. It wasn’t the best idea, but he couldn’t help it.

‘If you love me, then kiss me’ Dan said it on a whim. The words left his mouth felt false. He was drunk without a doubt. But Anthony followed his order and they shared a kiss. One, it was a soft teasing peck. Dan looked at Anthony’s lips lustfully—it tempted him for another kiss.

Second, they shared a long kiss. Third, Anthony’s tongue carefully explored Dan’s mouth. Fourth, they met and in a rhythm they danced. Fifth, they blacked out. They shared the night, accompanied with two cases of beer and warmth. It was a night to regret. But no one thought of it that moment. The night resounded Roy Todd’s ‘Child of the Troubles’, a melancholic sound that explained mourn, regret and pities they both were feeling that night.

The clock ticked to twelve, and Dan wasn’t at home yet. Without any messages, nor calls, it made Phil feel quite furious. Just how could his younger brother be so careless? It made his heart ache, with every moment the clock would tick it made him worrisome.

Twelve o’clock passed, still not a sound from outside. Trying to distract himself, Phil turned to his report that was due until the next day.

*Tap *Tap *Tap

The sound of his keyboard was his only company, the silence that came every time he paused was deafening. As it became his habit, Phil opened his desk drawer and took his most precious mixed tape of classical music.

Chopin’s Prelude Op.28 No.4 was the first, no—it was where he last stopped. The mourning melody soothed him, as if teasing him it reminded him of the conversation he used to have within the letters. Upon remembering them, Phil turned his attention to the last drawer of his study table. It was the most spacious of them all. He had customized it.

Boxes. He took them out carefully like he always does. Phil’s eyes gazed at the organized pile of letters and thought, ‘When was the last time I wrote one?’

Taking out his stationary and his fountain pen he got at a cheap store near his high school, he decided to write out his thoughts. The receiver, he paused. Phil knew without a doubt to who they were for. With the receiver on his mind, he started to write down aimlessly.

‘How are you? Or rather, where are you?’

With a casual statement he started, a few seconds of staring into it he decided to crumple the piece of paper and throw it into the trash bin. He sighed, and then started once more.

Hours passed and the trash bin was a mountain of crumpled papers with ink blots. Phil’s hands were tired and covered with excess ink from his pen. The paper on his desk had scrawled writings and numerous drops of blank ink. His eye lids started to grow heavy and he slowly felt drowsy.

At exactly two forty-one, his eyes started to give up as he signed the letter. The last words he was able to wrote with half-closed eyes and blurry vision were,

‘I’m sorry for being selfish, Daniel’

Phil was far from selfish, he thought. He was a coward and a sinful man. Feelings he kept, feelings he used, they were his entire burden. His girlfriend, Cat, was only for show. He knew how much she loved him, and he took her for granted.

Cat wasn’t just in love with Phil, she understood him very well. She stood as his friend, and also his remedy. She was the only one who saw right through his facade. She knew Phil was in love with Dan, and as his closest friend she offered to help him cure his ‘sickness.’

But the ‘sickness’ they knew couldn’t compare to any other—it was definitely getting stronger with every moment that passed. Cat knew she was losing, so she suggested letting Phil move in with her. And as desperate as he could be, he agreed to it.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happened, Dan wallows in his regrets and embarrassment while his special friend conjures up a plan for both of them. Meanwhile, Phil starts feeling overwhelmed by his selfishness and he tries reaching out to his brother but his good intentions were misunderstood causing Dan to walk away from him. Everything was bad enough, and it couldn’t have gotten any worse— but out of the blue, Phil notices something different in him that causes a stir in himself.

Dan quietly made his way inside their apartment, tip toeing he looked for Phil. As he peeked at his brother's room he saw him fast asleep on his bed, room full of mess. He didn't bother to wake him up, he had his own worries. Quickly he entered his room, took garments without even looking and rushed inside the bathroom.

He removed his stinky clothes that reeked booze, and then he looked at his body at the mirror. 'Shit' he clicked his tongue automatically at the sight of his body. It was covered with hickeys, it made him frown. Counting them, it was impossible. On his arm, his back, his abdomen and even on his neck. It was nerve wrecking. Out of frustration, he continued to wash himself.

As he got out of the bathroom with the towel hanging on his neck, he found his brother idly waiting outside with crossed arms, Phil sighed,

'I know you're old enough, and I have no right to scold you for staying out for the night but please let me know beforehand if you're not coming home' he said coldly

Dan's heart shook as he looked him in the eye, the sudden image of last night made him want to puke. He was utterly disgusting. To think he'd use a friend just to feel relieved?

'I'm sorry' he weakly answered and turned his attention away from Phil.

Phil looked at his young brother who looked so tired, he wanted to ask him where he has been but calmly restrained himself to do so, because he has no right to scold him. He knew Dan was at the right age to freely do what he wants, but he couldn’t help caring as much. As he continued to watch Dan, his eyes gazed down at his younger brother’s arm he saw a strange mark.

'What's that on your arm?' He asked and noticed Dan’s eyes widening.

'I-It's nothing' Dan stuttered and covered the mark on his arm with his hand.

Even though he covered it, his hand also had marks. It made Phil worry even more and at the same time question his whereabouts once again.

'Where were you last night, Dan? I'm sorry if I'm prying' he tried to sound calmly as possible.

'Don't worry about it, Phil' Dan answered snobbishly, he was starting to feel anxious. 'It's just mosquito bites... it's nothing... forget about it'

Phil was about to touch him, but Dan slapped his hand away. They were both shocked. Dan’s mouth fell agape as words stumbled out, 'I-I'm so- I'm so tired... I'm going to bed, don't disturb me'

Dan turned his back away from his brother, and rushed to his own room. Tossing away his shirt, he took a sweater on his wardrobe and put it on, just to hide the marks. As he laid down his bed, he held his hand. The hand that just hit his brother, it was still painful from the collision. It made him hate himself more. It was unnecessary, he shouldn't have hit him. Remembering the expression Phil had before he turned his back pained his heart. He felt utterly disgusted with himself a lot more.

As Phil watched his younger brother turn his back away from him with a frowning expression plastered upon his face, it made him clench his fist. He could still feel the pain from the slap on his hand. But that wasn't the pain he thought of-rather he paid attention to the pain that stung his chest.

'I might have made him mad for being too nosy' he tried to make himself believe that obvious lie just because he couldn't come up with anything else. Pitying himself, he gave a slight smile as he walked back to his room.

'Dan must be so angry at me now... he's never hurt me' he chuckled softly

'I really am selfish...'

The pain on his chest lingered...

Dan stared blankly at his office desk. He felt awfully tired the whole day. It was obvious Phil was avoiding him, and he hated it. What he hated most was the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. He knew he was at fault. It was his fault. At the middle of his sulking he suddenly felt someone hugging him from behind. As he turned his chair, he saw Anthony smiling at him.

'You've been occupied' he said teasingly

Dan shook his head and gave Anthony a weak smile, it was the best he could force himself to, 'I'm just tired, I had lots of paper works piled up for the whole day' he lied

Anthony smiled once more, and from inside his coat he took out a green carnation. Dan was awestruck with its unusual color – it was his first time seeing a green flower.

'Uh, thanks... it's pretty, but what's the occasion?'

'It's an apology gift, I won't be able to walk with you to the bus stop today, and for the following days' Anthony said

'It's no big deal, but is there any particular reason behind it?' Dan asked

'I'm going to work overtime for a week or two, and I don't want you to wait for me'

'Oh... okay, I hope you don't work yourself too hard'

Anthony continued to smile at him as he nodded, 'When did I ever?'

As he said that, he walked back to his own desk with a smile on his face. Anthony was happy without a doubt. He wanted to tell Dan the reason for his over time, but he didn't want to ruin the surprise... All Anthony wanted was to make Dan happy.

Dan was far from being just a user, he was something worse. When Anthony left, he felt relieved. The flower he received was instantly hidden inside his bag, he even thought of throwing it away, but he couldn't do that. He pitied Anthony, and just couldn't tell him outright what he felt. He knew he doesn't feel the same for him, but still, he was a friend. Dan wanted to choose the right time and the most careful words. Right now isn't the best moment for telling him the truth.

'Welcome home, Dan' Phil greeted him as Dan passed by the kitchen.

'Uhh, yeah' Dan tried his best not to look at him and made his way to his room.

Dinner time came; they sat down facing each other at the dining table. Dan was still averting his gaze from Phil.

'I talked to mom recently, and I asked her if she's going to be able to fly over here for Christmas...' Phil spoke

'Hmm...' Dan mumbled as he played with his pasta

'She said she was busy for this Christmas too...' Phil sounded disappointed but he still gave a smile and said, 'So I was thinking if you'd want to go to Florida instead'

It made Dan look at him finally, 'W-What?' he asked

'I said, let's go to Florida... I really want to spend Christmas as a whole family'

'What's with the sudden decision?' Dan asked

Phil shrugged and chuckled, 'Don't you miss mom? I really want to see her...'

Dan doubted his brother's words, he knew he was hiding something again and he just couldn't help but ask him outright, 'Is this about Cat again?'

His brother was a bit shook with his question. Phil was left silent by this, and it just concluded Dan’s doubts.

Dan sighed and said, 'If you want her to meet mom then just bring her to Florida. Mom will be far from happy and I'm sure Cat will be as thrilled' his brown eyes turned to Phil’s pair of blue ones.

They held a painful look in them, and Dan couldn’t understand, softly Phil asked, 'What about you? Don't you want to come with us?'

His brother chuckled as if he just said a joke that was too unbelievable, 'What do you need me there for, a chaperon? And besides, I'm going to be busy for the Christmas too'

'No, Daniel... I just want us to be whole again' Phil was practically pleading this time but Dan didn't budge a bit from his expression.

He wanted to tell Phil, 'Cat isn't even part of the family yet' but he struggled not to do so. He didn't want to feel disgusted with himself even more and he didn't want to lie to himself anymore too. Maybe if he gives himself the time, he would forget about his lustful feelings for his brother. Just the thought of Phil leaving him and having his own family hurts.

Stupid Dan, he thought. What kind of brother would fall in love with his own brother? Disgusting, insightful and sinful it was. He wasn't normal, he was broken, he was sick and he was cursed. He just wanted to die at that moment. If it was as easy as he could think.

After the dinner, Dan cleaned his own plate and headed towards his room. Without any words for Phil, he just left him there. He wasn't aware that his younger brother only wanted to spend some time with him. It pained Phil’s heart.

Maybe he's a bit too clingy? He thought deeply as he washed his plate. He just wanted to see his younger brother’s beautiful smile when they were together, like how he used to. But Phil was lost – he had no idea what he could do.

The sound of something crashing woke him up; Phil quickly knelt down to pick up the broken pieces. A few pieces on his hand, he forgot to be careful once more. He looked at his hand, it was numb, and had red liquid dripping out from it. Careless, mindless he just cut himself.

The next day, his morning was the same as it was in the routine. He woke up 5 am in the morning to make breakfast, for both him and his younger brother. After that he'd take a bath, but he noticed something as he looked at himself in the mirror. He had a black and blue mark at his shoulder. Odd, but he thought it might have been something out of his carelessness again and just ignored it.

'Phil, are you okay?' Cat asked as they sat down at their usual eating place in their office.

He nodded and gave a smile not to make her worry, but he is oddly feeling dizzy.

'Are you sure? You look paler than usual' She asked again as she held his forehead

He shook his head and then answered– 'I'm just feeling a bit cold, I think... let me go wash myself in a bit' then he went to the restroom. He removed his coat and started to fold his sleeves, but as he folded them he noticed more black and blue marks as he saw this morning. Phil decided to open up his shirt and checked his upper body, and with that he actually saw a few more.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was finally looking well for Dan, having made a big decision and it turning out to be good, he was starting to feel at ease. He was avoiding his brother, but maybe it was the time to do so. On the other hand, Phil struggled with his own worries as he finds out something that he would’ve never expected to come out from a mere visit to the doctor. This fuels his worries for his own brother, and as he tried his best to protect Dan, things go sour for them. Pushing Dan to make another completely uncalled for decision that none of them wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pals!
> 
> So I decided to post this chapter earlier than planned because of the #iiviewingparty.
> 
> I still feel soft and a bit sad. I miss them so much. Lmao.
> 
> Anywaysss, enjoy.♥️
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> trashphantato

            Dan has gotten the hang of avoiding Phil. It was a mean thing to do, but it was about time he did it. It was one step closer to moving on, he believed.

            'Danny, you want to go see this movie? I heard it's nice' Anthony talked gleefully as he usually does, it made Dan chuckle.

            'Sure, but it's going to be all on you' he teased. Anthony pouted a bit and replied, 'Half, I'll pay for the tickets you handle the food'

            Dan placed his index finger on his chin and acted as if he was thinking deeply, 'I've just remembered I was going to do some overnight work today...' he smirked

            'Ugh fine, I pay the food and the cab, you pay the tickets' Anthony compromised

It made Dan laugh at him, 'I'm kidding, Anthony. I'm okay with splitting everything'

            The two of them had a harmonious night out, it was simple and fun. Maybe, just maybe... Dan's decision for choosing Anthony was the right thing to do. It made both of them happy. Even though he still had feelings for Phil, Dan was feeling a bit relieved every time he was with Anthony.

            Anthony was good for him. He knew and understood Dan to the fullest, and even though their relationship wasn't clear to both of them he still stood firmly for Dan. He was hopeful that Dan would eventually be contented with him. Even though it might take some time, he was willing to wait by the sidelines. He just wanted to be there for Dan whenever he needed someone. Anthony loved him that much.

            Meanwhile, Phil was preoccupied with his own troubles. As he sat down facing an unfamiliar old face with his stethoscope hanging by his neck, wall clock ticking as the man spoke unfamiliar words to him, he felt dizzy.

            'You have hemophilia A, it's an acquired hemophilia.'

His ears started to ring as he heard it. He was nervous and had a lot of questions drowning him.

            'Hemophilia is a blood disorder wherein blood does not clot properly. When you get a wound most likely it will not close on its own'

            'As much as hemophilia is rare, your case is the rarest one of them all. But not to worry, it's only in a mild case.'

            Phil was undeniably afraid by the news, and it made him stay a little longer to talk with his doctor.

            It was quarter to nine when Dan came home, he found Phil sitting by the kitchen counter with a cup of ramen in front of him. It was unusual for him to laze around and decide not to cook.

            'Welcome home, Dan' Phil smiled at him as soon as he passed by.

He wanted to ignore him but he just couldn't ignore the cup of ramen and asked,

            'Why are you eating ramen? Have we run out of ingredients?'

Phil looked at his cup noodles then smiled again, 'It's nothing, I just thought of having a change for dinner.' A lie. A very bad lie it was. He was never a good liar anyways. But it was enough to make his younger brother drop all questions and just carry on with his merry way. The real reason he was eating cup noodles was because he was too afraid to injure himself again. He was too cautious, so he decided not to hold the knife today and just boil some water from the water dispenser, and idly wait for his noodles to get cooked.

As Dan closed his bedroom door, Phil was having a debate with himself on whether he should tell Dan that he's been diagnosed with hemophilia or not. But as he remembers that Dan was ignoring him, more over avoiding him, he stiffly restrained himself again.

'It'll be okay' he said, making himself believe the lie as he ate his ramen.

Weeks passed and Dan noticed a sudden change from his brother, Phil. He couldn't pin point the change, but it had to do with how he moved. If he was careful before, he was a lot more careful now and he's been gradually being more overprotective than before.

'What do you mean change?' Anthony asked as they lied down beside one another.

Dan shrugged and continued to change the channels as he answered, 'different'

They were comfily snuggled up on Anthony’s mattress laid down at the floor in his living room. It was twelve o'clock that moment and Dan didn't want to go home just yet.

            'Don't you think he's having problems?' Anthony asked

Dan shrugged again, 'I don't know... he's not the type to share his problems'

            'You guys are really contrasting one another huh?'

            'What?'

Anthony smiled at him, 'well, you see: it starts off with your looks... You guys don't look alike. From your eyes, nose, mouth, even the shape of your faces doesn’t have a hint of similarity. You’re more of the mature type, while he looks young' it sounded as a tease, but Anthony was serious.

'Then your personalities, he’s more of the outgoing type that catches everyone’s hearts while you’re the opposite. You just contrast one another' he chuckled.

'I know our personalities,' Dan said, 'but our looks? Are you serious?'

'If you'd ask me, you guys don't look like brothers to me'

Dan focused his attention to Anthony, 'Not brothers?' he asked

Anthony nodded, 'Yeah, you're like his sister. A pretty cute sister'

Dan instantly hit Anthony roughly as they laughed at each other. Anthony started to tickle him, he didn't want that so he stood up and started to run away from him. They were like kids playing around without their parents supervising them. And like kids they would play until someone gets hurt. And that was what really happened, as they were hastily having fun running around Dan slipped and bumped himself into Anthony’s wardrobe.

It's 1:58 am when the apartment door opened and Dan tried his best to keep silent. As he went in he kept the door half closed, and then he popped his head out the door and spoke to Anthony. 'Thanks for sending me home, Anthony' he said

Anthony chuckled a bit and answered, 'I had to... you were wobbling while walking down my corridor'

'I'm really sorry for the trouble, I was careless'

'Don't worry about it, but how's your bump?'

Dan removed the ice pack from his forehead and gave a laugh, 'I feel numb'

            They both chuckled at each other, but their laughs were cut off when Dan heard Phil's voice from behind him greeting, 'Welcome home, Dan'

            He was so startled that the ice pack fell from his hand when he turned to see Phil. As Phil's eyes glanced at his forehead, his eye widened to see his younger brother's purple mark. His heart throbbed painfully and fear took over him. He lost control over himself.

            'What the hell happened to you?' Phil scowled as he gripped his younger brother's shoulders tightly, Dan was startled

            'I-I just got a little too careless' he stuttered, the sight of Phil's frowning expression terrified him. He slowly felt the pain from his tight grip.

            'I always told you to be extra careful, don't you understand that?' Phil continued

            'I'm sorry' Dan's head drooped down trying to endure the pain he felt. It was the very first time Phil did this... maybe he was just sick of it, sick of him.

            'And you didn't even tell me that you're going home late again today!'

Dan didn't think about answering him, he just continued to look down. Phil continued to scold him without knowing Anthony was just outside getting annoyed by him.

            'You should know better Dan! This is has been very tiring, would you please stop acting like a child?!'

            'I'm sorry'

            'What does your apology do? You should act more like your age, Dan, for Christ’s sake! I'm so sick of having to worry about you every single fucking day. Why can't you just stay put?'

As Dan heard those words, his heart just ached very badly. He knew it, he was awfully right... Phil was really sick of him... it made him feel sick of himself again.

Anthony just couldn't help it he just had to interfere with their feud. He opened the door and pulled Dan towards him. Both brothers were caught off handed by his sudden appearance.  

            'You don't have enough reason to scold your brother that way'

Phil was enraged and he answered, 'Who gives you the right to interfere?'

Both silently stared at each other, there was a spark in between them. Just looking at them would make you feel nervous but Dan mustered his courage and came in between them.

            'Anthony, I'm sorry but please just leave. I'm okay... everything’s okay' he tried to smile. But it was obvious his smile was slowly breaking down. Anthony had to bite his lip to keep himself from doing anything else.

            'Phil, you should really rest up, you look tired... save it for tomorrow okay?'

Anthony was just about to leave when Phil shouted once more, 'Shut up, Dan! You're being so selfish! Don't even think about caring about me right now... just how many times have you done this huh? You always make me stay up just to wait for you!'

            Anthony had to turn to them again, but Dan blocked him. Phil was hurt to see his younger brother clinging onto someone else... he hated the sight of Anthony. He hated him to bits.

            'Don't tell him that he's selfish... as far as I know he never told you to wait up for him' Anthony said

It made him angry a bit more, 'You're not even a part of this, just stay shut'

            'Anthony, stop this please...' Dan pleaded, he was tired—he just wanted to sleep.

            'Danny, take me to your room, pack up' Anthony suddenly ordered as he pulled Dan

            'W-What?' Dan asked, but Anthony looked at him with a death glare, he had to follow him. As both of them made way to his room, Phil nonchalantly followed. Dan just took a random bag pack and started to take clothes from his wardrobe as Anthony helped.

            'What the hell are you doing, Daniel?' Phil said with his low tone voice standing by Dan's bedroom door. His cool deep voice made Dan shudder.

            'Don't mind him, Danny...' Anthony said then faced Phil, 'I'm taking him with me'

Phil's face frowned more than he could, he just couldn't stomach what he heard. Anthony’s stance made his blood boil. The mixture of feeling tired, sleepiness, drowsiness and his terrified state for his younger brother made him annoyed. It was consuming him.

            'Phil, stop please! It hurts!' Dan shouted as he tried to pull his arm away.

Phil was holding Dan's arm very tightly, he just didn't want to let his younger brother leave. Not again. He didn't want him to leave and get himself hurt again, but he couldn't say those caring words. He gritted his teeth, in between were the words Dan needed to know.

Anthony pushed Phil away causing him to fall to the floor and pulled Dan away from the room. Dan watched as his brother fell, he couldn't do anything about it because Anthony was pulling him away with all his might. The last thing he saw as he looked back was streams of tears running down Phil's cheek.  The pain struck him, he didn't know why. Why was Phil crying?

They took a cab and head back to Anthony's apartment. Once they got in both of them were exhausted. They were silent for a while but Anthony talked,

'I'm sorry for the forced rushed decision, Danny... I just had to do it' Anthony sighed

Dan nodded slowly and gave a light chuckle, 'it’s alright...'

Anthony looked at him with a doubtful expression, 'Is it really?'

'I want to take a shower... I'm so tired...' Dan stood up and with his bag went to the bathroom. He looked at the mirror and stared at his face.

'What the hell is wrong with us?' he asked himself. The tight grip of Phil was the first ever grip he had felt from him for a long time... he looked at his arm, it was red from Phil's mark. It made his chest ache badly again. It was the pain he felt only for Phil... it wasn't a bad feeling, but it wasn't a good one either. It was just a feeling that he had... the only feeling he could have.

Dan was occupied by his own worries that the vision of Phil's crying state slipped right out from his mind. Back at their old and creaky London apartment, Phil was all alone. Crying, drowning himself in his tears. He's alone again, and this time it's his fault. Phil was hurt really badly, watching his younger brother running away with someone else. But he didn't have the right to complain one bit. He hurt his younger brother, he shouldn't have done that. Phil sobbed more.

Ironic, he thought. He was always the one, who thought about Dan’s safety every day for he was afraid that Dan might also have hemophilia, but then... just now he was the one who hurt him.

            'Why does this happen to us?' he asked softly as he hugged his long legs. Crying.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both brothers planned for Christmas— and in the first time in years, they’ll be spending it separately with a different person in each other’s side, and it wasn’t the best but they had to start accepting it. Phil’s girlfriend did her best to win him over for the nth time, but the man just couldn’t get his younger brother out of his head.

It has been exactly three days since Dan started to stay at Anthony's apartment. It has been also three days since he last saw Phil, even when he went back to their apartment the following morning just for the sole purpose of getting more clothes, Dan wasn't able to take a glance at his brother's shadow. That morning he came back, their apartment was stiff quiet.

Dan was relieved that he didn't have to face Phil— he didn't want to see what expression Phil had. He also was half-expecting to see Cat that morning. It was possible, Dan believed. Phil is a grown man after all. But that morning had all his assumptions washed off. And he still felt a lingering pain from the night before.

A week passed since Dan left with Anthony and hasn't gone back to their apartment. Phil was devastated, but he was left with no choice but to accept it. With Cat worrying for him, he decided to continue on with his plan to go to America, with only one thing changed. He wasn't going to spend Christmas with the whole family anymore.

            'What do you want for Christmas?' Anthony asked as he held his cup of hot coffee playing with Dan's hand, as they sat down by his terrace.

            'I want a white Christmas' Dan chuckled as he said that, it was mid-December right now. Just a few more days and Christmas will be here.

            'Now, how could I make that happen?' Anthony pouted and his lover looked back at him with a cheeky smile plastered on his beautiful face.

            'I'm just kidding, all I want is to be with you' Dan replied, a gleaming smile that could thaw snow was presented to Anthony.

The man just couldn't help himself— he put his cup of coffee down, and wrapped his arms around Dan's slender waist. He pecked Dan, softly, warmly and teasingly. It made him laugh. Anthony's heart would flip and skip a beat every moment they were together, he felt as though he's complete. He didn't want anything else, he had Dan in his arms and that was it. That was enough to suffice everything he needed.

On Christmas day he planned. He planned to propose to Dan. He wanted to take him away from this place. They could go back to where they first met, back to Florida. They can live together. He was sure, he wasn't afraid of anything. Anthony knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Dan. Taking him away and marrying him was the choice he had. And as Christmas day came, Anthony was gradually becoming more confident with his plan.

Meanwhile, Phil was getting ready for their travel to finally visit his mother. He fixed the papers needed, organized his schedule and informed their mother. As his younger brother said, their mother was far from happy with the thought of meeting Car. She even said that they should stay until New Year's. Phil wanted that, very much. But he just couldn't... He and Cat had work that would wait for them.

He also couldn't shake the thought of leaving his younger brother. He wanted to patch things with Dan before the next year comes. It might have been best if he would patch it up before Christmas, but Phil as considerate as he was, thought about giving his younger brother the space he needed. He believed that Dan was still angry with him, angry enough that he couldn’t even call or drop by.

            'Where are we going to stay in Florida, Phil?' Cat asked as she looked at him as they sat down on Phil's sofa.

            'My mom insisted for us to stay at her place, is that okay with you?' he asked

Cat nodded happily with a smile, 'Yeah, that's okay. I'd rather be at your mother's place so you could have the chance to make up for the years you weren't together'

            Phil smiled to what she said, 'Thanks, Cat' he said

            'Have you talked to your brother?' she suddenly asked removing Phil's smile

            'Uhh, no... I haven't had the chance. He hasn't come back home yet, and his phone has been turned off for quite some time. Or maybe he had just blocked my number' Phil tried to chuckle as best as he could to not make Cat worry, but he failed miserably, his voice cracked and it just made Cat frown a bit.

            'You don't have to force yourself.' Cat said with a pinch of bitter tone, and then let out a sigh 'Either way, its better of this way, Phil... You need to move on, right?'

            Cat rubbed circles onto Phil's back as he nodded with a faint smile. He held her hand and said, 'Thanks for helping me, Cat... I owe you a lot, I don't know how to make it up to you'

            She shook her head as she bit her lower lip, 'All I need is for you to love me' She placed Phil's hand on her cheek, rubbing his hand and having a deep eye-to-eye contact with him. 'All I need is you, Phil' she whispered.

Phil understood her so he slowly came closer to Cat, as their faces were closer he closed his eyes, so did she. As they felt each other’s' breath, Cat was starting to feel nervous. 'Would it be tonight?' she wondered, her heart started to thump hard.

Their lips met, and slowly she opened her mouth to let his tongue invade inside. Phil's fragrance was overwhelming, his soft touch on her head made her melt. They kissed deeply, and it made her heart thump harder. She still wanted more, so she held Phil's hand tightly.

He understood her action and Phil followed it. His hand started to explore her body, and his kisses moved to her neck. It made Cat start to breathe a bit faster. She was nervous again. 'How far can I take him?' she wondered again.

When Cat decided she wanted to take a move further, she mustered all courage. She wanted Phil all for herself— she wanted him to be contented with her. Make him fall madly in love with her. He wanted to make Phil's deep feelings for Dan hers.

Her hand started to explore his body as well, Phil was being cooperative tonight so she took the chance. Phil groaned, and Cat finally saw her chance. She slowly unbuttoned her blouse, when she did Phil started to kiss her chest area. It made her moan.

            'It must be tonight' she believed, so she whispered with husky voice, 'Remove your shirt, Phil'

They kissed each other hard, whilst Phil removed his own shirt. As his shirt got over his head they stopped, he threw away the shirt and pushed Cat down to the floor and started to kiss her hard again. They lasted like that for more than a few minutes. It was getting hot and humid.

Cat then gave another sign, to go further. She wrapped her legs onto Phil's waist, and they continued to kiss again. She gradually tightened her grip, and she could feel Phil finally. Just a few more steps, she believed. Just a few more, she'd get what she had been waiting for patiently. Phil groaned once more and she took that as a sign. Cat let Phil's waist go, and she kissed him softly as she started to unzip his slacks. When she touched Phil, he instantly pushed her away from him.

They looked at each other’s' eyes. Phil's expression was mixed with pity and confusion. He was confused with his abrupt action, and pitied Cat for it. He studied the woman's expression. It was heartbreaking for Cat.

'I'm— ' he started but Cat stood up, it made Phil stop talking.

Cat shook her head, 'don't even... don't even think about saying anything'

She took her blouse and wore it quickly and took her shoes, while she continued to shake her head, Cat said, 'I'm okay, and I'll see you tomorrow.'

The door shut loudly, and followed it was silence. Silence that was too deafening for Phil, it made his stomach turned a bit. He stood up as well, went to the bathroom and took a quick shower. His towel was on his waist as he left the bathroom, his body dripping wet.

He went to his study table, and played his most favorite mixed tape of classical piano songs. What greeted him was Richard Clayderman's 'Eleana'. Phil wasn't sure if life was mocking him, but that song vaguely reminded him of Cat. It made his chest heavy, but he couldn't stop listening to the song.

Phil took out his well-organized stack of stationeries and remembered every time he had to write a letter to Dan he'd always take extra caution when picking the design of his stationery, it would always take him hours to do so which would eventually lead him to picking a plain white one with only thin black lines to write on. Reminiscing the past made him smile a bit, but with a pain that made his chest ache.


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before leaving for America, Phil did his best to contact his brother. He was desperate enough to actually call Dan’s special friend, even though he hated the thought of his brother being with him. Unfortunately, Dan wasn’t the one who caught the call.

Twentieth of December came and Phil did all he could to get in contact with his younger brother before leaving for Florida the following day. He kept on calling Dan, but his phone was still unavailable. He was so frustrated for hours of trying so he decided to get Anthony's apartment number instead.

After almost an hour of just finding Anthony's number he eventually found it. The digits were written on a piece of sticky note, pasted on Dan's desk. Phil checked the time, it was seven o'clock. His younger brother should be home that time, and having dinner. Tired and missing his brother, Phil didn't think twice of calling the number.

At Anthony's apartment, they were having a dilemma of what dinner they should have. After minutes of brainstorming, Dan grew tired and decided to buy microwavable pizza. As the man left, just as he closed the apartment door, the telephone rang. Anthony got up from the sofa and stood by the telephone, waiting for the third ring. He has gotten used to that because he always did it in the office. When the telephone reached its third ring Anthony answered it.

            'Hello, this is Anthony. How may I help you?' he spoke, as how he does at his office. And it made him feel completely stupid.

There was a few seconds long silence that made him irritated. 'Hello?' he spoke again

            A muffled cough eventually followed, and a deep voice that greeted, 'Hello...'

Anthony was a bit shook with the voice that he heard, he knew who it was.

            'What do you want?' he instantly scowled at Phil.

            'I want my younger brother... let me speak with him' Phil demanded

            'What makes you think that he wants to speak with you?'

Anthony had to bite his lower lip; he knew Dan wanted to speak with his younger brother. But he had to lie, he did it to protect Dan, he believed.

            'I... I just need to tell him something'

            'Just tell it to me, I'll surely pass it to him'

Phil sighed, 'You're not going to let me speak to him, aren't you?'

            'Even if I did make you speak with him, he wouldn't want it'

There was a pause in their tensed conversation, but they didn't let it last long.

            'Okay, fine. Tell Dan that I'm flying to Florida tomorrow night...'

            'Is that all?' Anthony wasn't giving him time to think

            'Also I'm sorry, about what happened, about hurting him, and everything else.'

            'Is that all?' Anthony asked once more, as if he didn't care about Phil's words.

Phil rubbed circles onto his right temple, as he said, 'Yeah, that's all... I sure hope my words will reach him'

           Anthony chuckled and replied, 'You don't trust me at all...'

           Phil chuckled too, 'Take good care of brother, if something ever happens to him...'

            'Don't worry Dan is better off with me, than being with you.'

Phil clenched his fist, 'If something ever happens to him, I'll never forgive you'

            'What was that? Were you threatening me?' He tried to mock Phil

            'Just... Just tell him what I told you...'

            'Yeah, whatever'

Anthony ended the call after spouting those last two words. He was annoyed. Everything about Phil annoyed him.

'I can't believe that Phil's voice is way deeper than mines' he remembered Dan's words.

The very greeting was enough for Anthony to know it was Phil. Dan's description was always in his mind. Every description about Anthony was always in his mind. And it annoyed him.

It was thirty minutes after the call when Dan got back. He was holding two paper bags crushed onto his chest, with a smile he greeted Anthony. As he got to the kitchen counter, Dan dropped the paper bags when Anthony suddenly hugged him from behind.

            'Anthony, look at what you made me do! Yah, the bags fell' Dan giggled a bit as he held Anthony's arms wrapped around his shoulders.

            'Danny...' Anthony's breathe tickled Dan's neck. It was warm.

            'Yes?' he asked with a smile still on his face.

Anthony buried his nose in Dan's white neck, giving him light pecks that made Dan giggle more and whispered, 'I love you'

Dan was a bit surprised with the sudden affectionate words. 'What's gotten into you?' he asked as he held Anthony's arms a bit tighter.

'Do you love me too?' Anthony asked

Dan turned to Anthony and smiled, 'Is something wrong?' he asked

Anthony shook his head and pulled Dan a lot closer, their bodies touching.

'Dan...' he called again, burying his face in Dan's neck again. The scent of his shampoo mixed with a bit of sweat was mesmerizing.

'A-Anthony what's wrong?'

'I love you...' he whispered again and hugged him more.

'Anthony'

'I love you...' again.

Dan kissed Anthony and gave him his sweetest smile. They continued to embrace and melted into each other's arms. It was warmer. Anthony wanted to make Dan his.

Just five more days and he'll get what he wants.

Just five days.


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the day of the flight, unbeknownst to the uninformed Dan, Phil held on to his last strand of hope of being able to at least say goodbye to his beloved brother. Eventually, when Christmas eve came, Dan couldn’t help but think about his family and his thought spilled through causing a slight argument with his friend.

            December, the twenty first... it was cold outside and inside. Phil was holding his phone tightly hoping his younger brother would send him even just one text. Moments passed and nothing, he already half expected that outcome.

            'Come on, Phil' Cat wrapped her arm around Phil's and slowly pulled him away towards their gate.

His heart grew weak every step he took, it made him feel miserable. His selfish thoughts started to overflow. Just when he was in front of the gate with Cat beside him, he suddenly felt regretful. Phil regretted not doing anything to take Dan back. Just when it was too late, and he was leaving, he thought about doing anything to have his brother with him.

            'Phil, let's go' she smiled happily and Phil gave her a smile he could barely manage. Cat knew he was hurting, but she had to ignore it. She didn't want him to think about Dan right now.

            'Sure, let's go' Phil turned his attention back to their path, and as Cat did so... his smile slowly faded away. And with every step, his heart grew heavier than before.

December, in the morning of twenty forth, in front of the television there laid Dan and Anthony warmly cuddling underneath the covers. But in between their moment Anthony felt Dan's seeping emotions. 'He's surely thinking about Phil' Anthony thought.

            'Do you want a cup of tea, Danny?' he asked, trying to distract Dan

            'A-Ah, sure' he smiled

            Anthony stood up and head towards the kitchen counter from there he looked at Dan. He was still in deep thought. Anthony sighed, and wished for Dan to be able to hide his obvious emotions sometimes.

            'He left on the twenty first' Anthony said, as though it was a mumble only to him.

            'What was that?' Dan asked innocently as he looked back.

            'Nothing, never mind what I said'

Dan pouted. He was just too curious with what Anthony said; the next thing he knew was he was at the kitchen counter too.

            'Hey, what did you say?' Dan continued to pester Anthony, but the man continued to ignore him. It made Dan a bit irritated, and he has been feeling annoyed since last night. Out of his petty anger Dan added a table spoon of coffee into Anthony's cup. It was the thing that made Anthony perplexed than anything.

            'Why'd you do that??' Anthony raised his voice

            'It's your fault!' Dan replied

            'I told you to forget about what I said, it's no big deal'

            'What is wrong with you?' Dan crossed his arms

            'I should be the one asking that'

They stared daggers at each other, a simple feud it should have been. If only Anthony kept his jealousy to himself.

            'You still can't stop thinking about him, huh?' he hissed

            'W-What?' Dan stuttered a bit.

            'You've been thinking about Phil all this time, right? You keep asking yourself, 'Why? Why hasn't he contact me?' am I right?'

            'Anthony, come on. What are you talking about?' Dan tried to avert his gaze. He was guilty of thinking about Phil, but not in that way. All he thought about was if Phil and their mother have reunited.  He thought about their family, and how he wished he had come with him.

All of a sudden Anthony threw the cup of coffee to the ground. It was his favorite mug too. It startled Dan, he was stiff. Looking into Anthony's angered eyes he didn't know what to say to him.

            'I said that he left on the twenty first. Phil... he flew off to Florida.'

            'W-Why? Why—'

            'Why didn't I tell you?' Anthony finished his sentence.

Dan was speechless, and Anthony smirked at him. 'I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think about him. Anything about him, I despise it, Dan'

            'He told me that he was sorry for what happened, for hurting you' after saying those words Anthony watched Dan's expression changed. As if he was in the verge of crying from sadness and happiness. It crumpled his heart bit by bit as he realized... Dan is still undeniably in love with Phil and he couldn't do anything about it. They were left silent, Dan didn't know what to say and Anthony didn't want to sprout anymore words from his anger. He just walked away from Dan, and left him by the kitchen counter.

Dan felt angry, but he restrained himself greatly. He knew that Anthony did that only to protect him. It was for the better. But he couldn't ignore the fucking pain in his chest. It was suffocating. He wanted to hear those words from Phil. He wanted to at least give his regards to their mom before he left.

But the thing he wanted most was, he wanted Phil to take him. To be selfish once again and make him go with him back to Florida. He wanted to see Phil do something for them to be together. Even if it was a family matter, he didn't care. Dan wanted to be with Phil again. He wanted to be okay with him again.

Sounds of quick footsteps, he heard from outside. Keys and the sudden slam of the door, Dan left him. Dan left him alone. Anthony was inside his bedroom, hidden inside his covers. He didn't want to face the sudden reality that slapped him. He didn't want to show himself the weakness he's been hiding. Just within hours, Dan will be his. He will not let himself waver, not now.


	11. Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After getting into an argument with Anthony, Dan retreats back to their apartment. The home he shared with his brother, Phil. After spending some time wandering inside, he notices the mess inside his brother's room and then decides to clean it up as a form of apology for his stupidity back then. What was supposed to be a chore, suddenly became something more when Dan reads the contents of the crumpled papers he was supposed to throw into the bin.

Slowly opening the door, Dan took a deep breath. The smell of their home was so relaxing, he missed it. As he got in, he took off his shoes and wore his fluffy slippers and walked to their living room.

            'Welcome home, Dan' he wanted to hear those words again, but Phil wasn't here.

The man continued to stroll inside their apartment, it was kept tidy by his younger brother and it made him smile a bit. Continuing his way to his room, Dan noticed that his brother left his bedroom door open. So he walked to his bedroom door to close it, however as he was right in front of the bedroom, Dan noticed that it was messy inside. Curiosity fled over him which led him to entering Phil's room. Crumpled papers were scattered, along with the trash bin fallen down. His desk was full of splattered ink rubbed with crumpled papers.

Dan tried to clean the desk, but the ink had dried and the papers were sticking to the desk. He never knew Phil was this messy when it came to writing. Odd, it seemed. His letters to him were always so clean, the exact opposite of what he's seeing right now. He decided to leave the desk as it is, but he wanted to pick up the papers along the floor. As he did he also fixed the trash bin and threw them in. Under the desk Dan saw two pens then he picked them up and thought about placing them inside the desk drawers.

The middle one was full of papers, it wasn't for the pens while the other small drawers were locked or maybe just stuck. The only one left was the last drawer. Dan didn't think twice about opening it. It was bigger than the rest of the drawers, and it made the desk look uneven. As he looked inside he saw boxes. He wanted to look at the contents, but he stopped himself. After placing the pens he closed it again. But the drawer got stuck to his dismay.

One by one he removed the boxes to fix the drawer. There were a lot of them. It took him a while to get the drawer fixed and Dan thought that it was odd for it looked like it was customized. But he paid no attention to it as he continued to return the boxes to its place. When the last box was about to be put inside, Dan's grip let the box go, causing it to fall down and its contents scattered into the floor.

Letters— a ton of them, and they were hand written letters. He found them from inside the box. It felt like he already seen them. When he picked them up he read to whom the letter were from, and once he read it... Dan was stunned.

            'To Phil' was what he read from the letter, but that wasn't what surprised him. It was the handwriting itself. It was too familiar because it was his. His letters for Phil it was kept well and tidy. He took the other boxes out and opened them. 'To Phil' he read those words over and over. With his handwriting, his stationary, they were his letters. They were there. Dan couldn't believe it, he was damned shook by what he saw. It made him miss Phil more.

Dan stood up and looked at the messy desk once more, this time he looked at what was inside the crumpled papers.

 

            'Dan,

 

                        Have you been listening to classical music? I still am.

 

                                                                                                 Phil'

 

The ink was dried, but it didn't look that old. Phil must've written it just a few days before. Dan couldn't help it, he took the other balls of paper that he just picked up and thrown inside the bin.

 

            'Dan,

 

                        Have you been eating well? I sure hope you are.

 

                                                                                                 Phil'

 

           

 

            'Dan,

 

                        I talked with mom a while ago and she asked me how you've been. I couldn't tell her we had troubles, I didn't want her to be upset. I'm sorry.

                                                                                               

 

                                                                                                 Phil'

 

            'Dan,

 

                        I want to talk to you soon... after I get back from Florida, I hope we patch things up once and for all. I miss you.

 

                                                                                              Phil'

 

The words within those crumpled papers were enough to make Dan shed tears. He just wanted to see Phil right then and there he couldn't wait for him to get back from Florida. He had missed him too. He wanted to patch things much quicker than how Phil wished for it.

How he regretted not being able to make up with Phil before Christmas, but with what he just read Dan felt contented. At least now he knows that Phil does not hate him and all that was left for him was to wait for Phil to come back.

 

But unknown to Dan, Anthony on the other hand, was plotting something for their Christmas together. Anthony has been pushed to his limit and he couldn't hold it in anymore. He needed to make Dan his. That's all he wants for his Christmas.


	12. Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a brand new resolve, Dan finally decides to move back. But Anthony couldn’t agree with his decision and he was supposed to wait until Christmas day came to ask the biggest question to his beloved Dan, but he just couldn’t help it anymore.

Nine o'clock in the evening when Anthony came to fetch Dan. With one glance at the man he loves, Anthony knew Dan was hiding something from him, but he decided to avert his attention from it.

          'Come on Danny, let's go home. We still need to start cooking' He smiled, but Dan selfishly shook his head and replied,

          'I want to move back here, Anthony'

Anthony's smile slowly faded away and a grimace replaced its place as he asked,

          'You mean up until Phil comes back?'

Dan once again shook his head as he stared down at the floorboards, 'I'm going to stay here from now on'

Anthony's world dimmed as his ears started ringing, 'Dan's leaving my side?' he asked himself as he restrained his growing fury.

          'I'm sorry, Anthony but I think our little feud is enough. It's time that we make up' Dan smiled at him. Anthony bit his lower lip as he held Dan's arm tightly and pushed him onto the wall, the collision was too painful, causing Dan to lose energy in his legs.

Dan was shocked with Anthony’s action, as he sat down on their apartment hallway he looked up at Anthony and asked, 'What are yo--?!'

But Anthony didn't let him finish, in the middle of talking, he placed his mouth on Dan's. It made him stop. But after a few seconds of sharing a deep kiss, Anthony suddenly pushed Dan down on the floor then pulled his arms upwards. Dan couldn't get away from his grip. He did his best to get Anthony off. He was hurting him, but Antony just kept on pushing himself to Dan.

          'Anthony, s-stop... please' Dan was starting to tear up. 'It's painful... s-stop'

But all he could do was cry, he couldn't fight Anthony's tight grip. He knew it was his fault why his friend acted that way... he pushed Anthony to be that way. Selfishness led his friend to be that way.

After sucking all the energy Dan had, Anthony literally dragged him away from their apartment, back to his. It was 11 o'clock when Anthony decided to talk, after an hour of silence between them. He stood up then took something from his coat's pocket, once he got it he went back to where Dan sat.

          'Look at me' he said, and his partner's tired eyes gazed at him.

          'It's an hour away from Christmas... but I couldn't wait any longer' he smiled as he knelt down and took the small box and opened it in front of Dan.

          'W-what... What are you doing?' he asked weakly

          'Dan, you're the only one I need in my life. I love you, and I want you to be mine. Only mine... so please? Marry me'

          'I...' Dan gulped, 'I don't know what to say... I-I'm glad that you love me this much, Anthony'

Anthony continued to smile at him, Dan looked into his eyes. He wasn't there anymore... that wasn't the friend he knew. It's someone different... he has become different.

          'But... I... I can't accept this offer. I can't marry you' he was trembling as he replied.

Dan watched how Anthony's smile turned into a painful smirk; he grew more terrified at the sight of him. Then all of a sudden he stood up then walked away from Dan.

          'I can't believe this... I'm still not enough for you? After all we've been through...'

          'Anthony, please stop this... this isn't you'

He turned to Dan and shouted, 'You made me like this, Dan!!'

          'I-I'm sorry... please... turn back to the Anthony I knew'

Anthony shook his head, 'I'm still the same. I'm going to make you love me no matter what happens'

          'But I can't Anthony!! Please, I know I've been selfish and I've been using you. But now I realized that this can't go on any longer. I can't do this to you anymore'

          'I let you use me, I don't care how selfish you can be... all I want is that you forget Phil and love me instead. Is that a hard thing to do? I've been here for you, so why are you afraid? Why can't you just accept me?'

          'Anthony... I'm sorry. But I can't lie to myself anymore... I love you but I can never put anyone before Phil'

Silence surfaced their conversation, and both of them were left to look at each other's eyes. It wasn't long until tears started to show up from Anthony's eyes. But before Dan got to speak, Anthony beat him to it. With a bitter tone in his voice he said, 'Leave... Leave right now'

Dan was dumbfounded with what he said. But he couldn't do anything, so he stood up, and walked towards the door. As he got out, the door behind him instantly shut, and he heard the locks click. After locking the doors, Anthony dropped down as he leaned at the door. He couldn't keep it in anymore. He cried, and cried. His hoarse voice mumbled words. Above all words was the name of the one he loved.


	13. Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a completely different place, Phil had been greeted with a couple of surprises himself. A surprise from his mother that involved their family was certainly a way to start his holiday. But there was something even more surprising that made him want to end his holiday sooner. A surprise that brought back hope, and a new resolve.

 

Hundreds kilometers away from them, Phil was spending his Christmas with a surprise from his mother. At the living room, they sat down. Their mother, the woman Phil hasn't seen for years, was sitting beside a man he has never seen before. Three days before, when they got to Florida, Phil was very excited to see his mom. As he saw her at the airport, he couldn't help but embrace her. She hugged him tightly too. Phil did his best to restrain himself from crying. His heart was going to explode.

On their way to his mother's house, they had a great time talking and telling stories. His mother was sure fond of Cat; she even teased them to get married already. Phil was so happy, but when they got to the house, his smile turned upside down when he saw a man standing by the door.

            'Phil, I'd like you to meet my new husband Peter' his mother introduced

How many years has it been since they last seen each other? Now that they had, he never thought that he would have face something like this. He never thought that his mother could have found herself another family to be with. It pains him. But that was three days ago, now Phil learned a lot about his mother's new life. He couldn't ignore the fact that she was happy. And after everything they've been through he knows how much his mother needed happiness.

            'Oh, the tea pot is empty. Let me get some more' his mother stood up from the sofa and took the tea pot from the coffee table then head towards the kitchen, Phil followed.

            'Philip dear, did you want me to get something else?' she asked as he saw Phil.

He smiled as he shook his head, 'I wanted to talk for a while, Mom'

            She placed the tea pot at the kitchen counter and smiled, 'Sure, what's this about?'

            'I... I really don't know' he chuckled, she did too.

            'Is this about Peter?' she asked, 'You haven't asked about him since you came'

Phil looked at her, but she kept a loving smile. 'It's okay, you can ask me'

            'Mom, didn't you ever love dad?'

            'I had loved him, Phil.'

            'Then, why? Why did you look for someone else?'

            'Sometimes, we need to find someone else to rely on when the other has gone away. It wasn't even my intention at first, it just happened' she held Phil's hand.

            'I know it might be a selfish act, but I hope you and your brother may forgive me. But I needed him, I needed Peter. He helped me get up'

            'Is it alright to be selfish, mom?' he asked as he gripped his mom's hand tighter.

            She nodded, 'Of course, once in a while we need to let our heart work first, no matter what consequences'          

That night, Phil couldn't sleep. He was scared to death for his mother's words drove something inside of him. He wanted to believe, and follow what she said. But he's a coward, he's afraid of all the consequences. He decided to get up and take some fresh air. It was 11 o'clock in the night. When he got out of their room, he found the next room's lights open.

            'Philip my dear, I didn't know you were awake' his mother smiled as she sat down at the floor while fixing boxes.

            'Um... I couldn't sleep. Do you need any help, mom?' he asked

            'Come sit next to me' she continued to smile.

As Phil sat down, she handed him a photo album. He opened it to find pictures of their family. It made him sad at the same time happy.

'I couldn't keep everything... the other albums were left at our old house in Nottingham'

'It’s alright, Mom... even without pictures I will still remember our family.'

She smiled then messed his son's hair, 'I'm happy we got through the hardships... I wish you could forgive me for not being able to be by your side.'

Phil smiled, 'I'm alright, Mom.' Just then, he gradually became nervous. If there was another reason for wanting to be here, other than wanting to be with his mother, it was also because he wanted to know how their father died. He wanted to know if it was hemophilia, or something else.

            He took a deep breath then he faced his mother, 'Mom' he called, to which his mother looked back at him with a smile and replied, 'Yes?'

            'Can – Can I know how dad died?' Phil noticed the sudden change of expression in his mother's face, so when she was about to speak he spoke further, 'I'm sorry, Mom. I just want to know, because I was too young back then and I might've not understood'

            Upon hearing his explanation, her smile came back but it was melancholic. Phil noticed, but he couldn't take it back. His mother stopped with fixing and faced Phil.

            'Well, your dad died due to heart failure... we knew it could happen at that time, and we had no choice but to wait for it.' She pressed her lips together, and then smiled again. 'I'm sorry you didn't know about it'

            Phil nodded, but there was a feeling of anxiety in his chest. 'Mom, did dad have hemophilia?' The question made his mother's eyebrow meet.

            'No, he didn't have hemophilia. Did you think he died because of it?'

            Phil shook his head and continued to ask, 'Who in your family had it?'

            'Nobody, dear' she was about to ask again, but Phil beat her to it.

            'What about dad's family?'

            'No, no one, they just had history with heart diseases'

            Phil's heart sank, where could he have gotten his disease? It couldn't have been acquired... could it?

            ‘Philip,' his mother called, 'what's wrong? What's this about hemophilia?'

            'I— It's nothing, mom' he tried to sound okay, but his voice quivered.

            'You're making me nervous, what's wrong?' his mother rubbed his shoulder

            'It's just – you see, my friend... he found out his brother had hemophilia' he looked away from her and continued to lie, 'I was a bit shaken by it because I knew it could be passed down generation through generation, you know'

            'That's a sad thing to hear, but don't worry, hemophilia can be controlled' she said as she continued to coax him. Phil knew it would be best to tell his mother the truth about his health, but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

After a while, they continued to search inside the boxes. They remembered all the memories they had before. Until they had nothing else to talk about, their conversation dragged onto his younger brother who wasn't with them. It was then when their mother remembered something. From a huge cabinet she took out boxes, tons of shoe boxes. When Phil opened the boxes, he was astounded by what he saw. Letters, it was his letters for his brother.

‘Dan kept them all, he never thought about throwing one.'

            Phil's heart just couldn't stop beating loudly. It was starting to become painful. He wanted to cry from happiness. He was happy to know that his brother had kept all his letters just like how he did. That night, there was no sleeping for Phil, he couldn't think about anything else but Dan. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to tell Dan everything. He wanted to tell Dan he loved him... no matter the consequences.


	14. Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the first few hours of Christmas, Dan found himself outside. Cold, alone and with no place to stay. Eventually he finds himself at one of his high school hang out, but it wasn’t the best place to be at that specific time. Meanwhile, Phil finally couldn’t take it anymore and decides to go back. Both of them could have never been ready for what happened on Christmas night.

One o'clock, on the twenty fifth of December, Dan walked under the heavy snow. He got what he jokingly wished for, a white Christmas. He let out fogs from his mouth every time he took a deep breath. He had no place to go, Anthony threw him out and his apartment keys were with him, even his wallet. He was left to wander around the city. It was too cold... he needed to find a place to keep warm. But it was the middle of Christmas, all the cheap motels were full, and with no money, he did not dare enter hotels. Maybe this is punishment for everything that he had done.

He gave a painful smirk as he chuckled at himself, it wasn't even enough to be punishment. He wanted to be punished for everything he had done. For his selfish acts, his lustful feelings, and for making someone miserable for his sake, Dan wanted to repent for everything.

But damned how he would regret wishing for it...

It was in an abandoned side of the town where he decided to stay in for the night, just for the sake of getting warmth. In an abandoned warehouse that was once a toy factory, he once visited this place with his so called friends from high school that were undergoing their rebellious state back then. With slight knowledge of the vicinity, Dan went in and he did his best to be comfortable as how he could've managed. Sheets, plastics, cans of beer and burnt foils were scattered upon the floor, but Dan was too exhausted to even notice them piled up. It was then when he heard the door open, and came in a group of guys.

As soon as they got in, Dan hurriedly hid himself behind huge crates within the warehouse. From there he silently watched them. He was terrified to learn that the place was a hide out for drug addicts, and from the looks of it, they looked like they were already high.

            'Man, we should've gotten a pretty girl to play with for tonight'

            'Yeah, that's is entirely because of your ugly face's fault'

            'Fuck you'

Then they started to laugh. Dan couldn't stand being there anymore, the sight of them and the smell that came from whatever they were doing was unbearable. He wanted to leave and find another place to be. But when he was just about to move from his hiding spot, the door opened once more and another guy went in carrying a huge bag, as if he was Santa Claus. When the other guys saw him, they howled happily.

The last guy placed the huge bag down at the center of their circle. The others started to clean their mess up, and from each of their own bags they took out different kinds of instruments. Syringe, needles, scalpels and a platform used for dissecting was neatly set out in front of them. They all looked so happy seeing it. That was when the horror started. The last guy opened the bag carefully and took something out. A cat or more specifically a kitten that was white all over, only his paws were black. Upon seeing the innocent creature, Dan grew terrified of his own imaginations.

They played with the kitten for a while, until one of them took a metal bar and hit it hard on its head. The sound of the kitten's cry was painful it made Dan cringe into a ball behind the crates. How could they do that?

He took a peek once more, and saw the kitten being fondly experimented on. Different bottles were lined up, and with the syringe they took the liquid from it and injected all dose one by one to the kitten. It was dying, the helpless little kitten was dying in front of them and all they could do was snort while they laughed happily. Dan's consciousness was eating him, he wanted to save it, but he was terrified.

Minutes passed, and they sighed when the kitten stopped moving. It was dead. But it wasn't long before the last guy took another creature from his bag, and came out another cat. Throwing away the kitten's corpse they set the other cat to the platform. Dan couldn't watch, but the sight of the corpse of the kitten that was a few feet away from him was heartbreaking. It was too inhumane. How could anyone do such a vile thing?

The cries of the cat were louder compared to the kittens, it was more painful. Dan couldn't think about running away anymore. The thought of what was inside the huge bag broke his heart. Many helpless creatures were sure to be in there, waiting to be mutilated by these monsters.

A few moments of thinking, Dan thought of a plan that was unsure to work... but he wanted to save them. So he continued on with his plan. Pebbles and a narrow wooden plate was all he could use. Throwing the pebbles to the other side, it distracted the group and eventually they walked towards where Dan threw the pebbles. One man was left watching the bag, Dan successfully hit him with the wooden plate and he fell unconscious with just that. Without anything else in his mind, he ran towards the huge bag and freed countless creatures that were in it.

            'W-What the hell!?'

            'Who are you?!'

After his heroic action, Dan tried his best to make a run for it too. Just a few more steps from the door, he was there. But then, after hearing a loud cracking sound, he fell right in front of the door. Something broke, and to his dismay, it was his right leg... being hit by a metal bar by one of the guys... it was broken and he couldn't stand up. Instead he curled up into a ball while he lay down, the pain brought tears into his eyes.

            'Who made you think that you could just let our experiments go?' the man with the metal bar asked

            'It was hard to catch all of them... what would we experiment on now?'

Dan couldn't respond, the pain from his broken leg made his mouth shut as he gritted his teeth to suppress the pain. But then, the other guys went towards them.

            'Who the fuck is that?'

            'How should I know?'

Two guys approached him and knelt down beside him. The other one pulled him up, and looked at his face.

            'Whoa, look at him' then he suddenly pushed Dan to the other guy

            'Shit, you really a guy?’ They both laughed and played with Dan's face.

            'L-Leave me alone...' Dan said weakly

            'Even your voice is like a girl's, posh fucker'

            'Maybe he's a girl'

They looked at each other, and with a nod of a head from the guy who was holding a metal bar, Dan was dragged to their circle.

            'W-What are you doing?' Dan asked with all energy he could muster.

            'Since you let our experiments out... we're going to experiment on you...'

Just the thought of it made Dan's stomach turned upside down, there were no words to explain how terrified he was. Without thinking he started to crawl his way away from them. It was too pitiful.

            'Where you going pretty?'

            'We should try it out, right?'

            'Yeah, I think so too... his body is big enough... just for the experiment'

Dan wasn't even halfway from the door when two guys pulled him back again. With four guys holding him, they tied him up with sheets and started to pull from different sides.

            'Sorry we can't offer you a big platform. This is uncalled for' the last guy said as he walked towards Dan with a weird instrument in his hand.

It looked like a small generator with metal rods connected to it with spiral wires. The man set it in front of him and started the small machine. He was happy to see sparks when he had the metal rods meet.

            'D-Don't!' Dan shouted weakly 'H-Help! Anyone... please!!'

            'No one can hear you from here...' the man laughed 'don't worry, this will only sting... just a bit'

            On the night of Christmas, it was then... when all hell broke loose for Dan.

Phil had a heavy feeling in his chest when he awoke. It stayed for hours, until lunch time came. His mother asked them if they wanted to get some food out, Cat happily agreed to the idea. At a family restaurant they pleasured themselves with food, all paid by his mother's husband. They had a fine time, but it wasn't enough to erase the heavy feeling from within Phil's chest. Cat noticed something wrong with him, but she tried to shake it off.

At exactly one forty in the afternoon, his mother decided to give the lovely couple some time alone, after all it was their vacation. So after the meal and a short walk, she and Peter said their farewells and said that they had some business to attend to. Cat without hesitation did her best to try and cheer Phil, they took strolls, went to different shops where it would interest him, and tried different foods on the way... but none of it made him feel less burdened.

Unknown to her, Phil's mind had nothing but Dan. Wanting to see him, wanting to talk to him, wanting to spend time with him, all those thoughts filled his mind. He didn't want anything else to do but to be able to talk with his younger brother right now... it was all that matters...

The woman couldn't take it anymore... she pulled Phil to stop walking and asked,

            'Phil, what's wrong? What's with the stiff expression?'

Phil slowly slipped his arm away from Cat, and he smiled. The woman was a bit off guarded with his spontaneous smile.

            'I... I forgot something really important' he said

            'W-What did you forget? Do you really need it?' Cat asked

Phil smiled more and nodded, 'I really badly need it, that's why I've decided to go back'

            'What? Are you serious? But our flight's not until--' she didn't even finish

            'I'm going to go on ahead, Cat... I'm sorry but I've decided it...' Phil started to walk away.

            'Phil, this is outrageous! You can't just leave me like this! What am I supposed to tell Mom and Dad?' Cat shouted as she ran after him. But Phil faced her and took hold of her hands.

            'I'm sorry, but I just have to do this... I've finally decided... please say my farewell to mom for me.' He kissed Cat's forehead, 'See you in London'

            'P-Phil’ Cat mumbled as she watched him run, until she couldn't see him anymore. 'I'm really not enough, huh?' she thought. Clenching her fist, she restrained herself from crying. Moments later she decided to head back for she had to fix Phil's things that were left in his mother's house.

His heart was thumping hard, he didn't know why but Phil had hard time breathing. Was it nervousness? Was it tiredness? Or was it excitement? He couldn't think clearly, in just a few hours his flight was timed. He turned his phone off, not wanting to entertain any calls from his confused mother, for he expected her scolding him for leaving Cat. But what he didn't know was that his mother was calling to tell him about what happened to his dear brother, Dan.

As soon as Cat got back to the house his mother was, she came crying to Cat asking where Phil was. After receiving a call from someone from London, she was informed that Dan was in the hospital and a tragic event has befallen upon him. Their mother cried too hard causing her to lose consciousness in the arms of her husband.

While taking care of Phil's mother, Cat couldn't help but worry about Phil for she knows how much Dan means to him. She couldn't imagine the pain he will feel once he sees Dan at his state, just the thought of it pains her... but she couldn't help but feel that it was right to happen... for it was punishment for both of them.

            Punishment for holding on to a taboo... a taboo that was one of the worse there is.


	15. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The unfathomable event that transpired on Christmas showed its effects. Phil found himself looking after his poor brother, and it was the worst seeing him suffer. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Dan soon learns that he’s lost a friend in the process.

The sounds of the IV dripping and sounds of machines beeping accompanied Dan in his hospital room, and Phil felt it was too deafening. His fist clenched as he sat beside his younger brother who was lying down at the hospital bed, sleeping. He was asleep, but Phil could see how much he was had suffered. His head was bandaged all over; his pretty flawless face was covered with bandages, plasters and bruise. His leg was in a cast, even his right arm was. Numerous stitches that weren't visible were on his back.

Phil gritted his teeth from utter frustration and pain. Just when he had decided, just when he was so sure of it, just when he was about to see his younger brother and patch things up with him this happens. It was as if someone wanted this, as if he was being punished. He couldn't help but feel guilty over what happened to Dan. Phil thought that if he just waited, if he didn't leave him, if he just tried to put a little more force in taking him back then maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Dan’s whole being was used and experimented on by a group of drugged medicine students. The information was only known to him when he turned his cell phone on while he was in their apartment. He couldn't help it. Upon knowing what has happened to Dan, he rushed to the hospital to where he was... and there Phil found Anthony.

A punch right in the face was what Phil greeted Antony with and it didn't even feel enough for both of them.

            'W-What the hell did you do? How could you let this happen?!' Phil shouted

No words came out from Anthony for he was drowning in his own sorrows. There was none to blame for this other than him. It was his fault, it was his entire fault. That night, Dan should've been with him... but he threw him out. Anthony felt that he deserved being rejected, he felt that he wasn't good for Dan anymore... and that feeling broke his soul into millions of pieces.

            'I... I threw him out' Anthony started as his tears started to show up. 'I threw him out because he rejected me...' his hands hid his face as he sobbed

            'I'm not good enough and I will never be... now I understand that I can't be with him even though I want to...' He knelt down in front of Phil as he continued to sob

            'So please... take good care of Dan... I beg you... You're the only one he needs'

He was the first one to have known about the incident. The morning of the twenty fifth he tried his best to look for Dan and he wanted to apologize for his stupid actions. But before he got out of his apartment, the telephone rang and to his surprise it was the police, informing him about the man he was about to look for.

As soon as he heard what the police said, he quickly rushed to the hospital... where he broke down. The sight of Dan was enough to kill him... but the doctors had to tell him everything that Dan had gone into. That was when he realized how foolish he was to think that Dan would be better off with him rather than to be with Phil...

The scene of Anthony pleading lasted in Phil's mind no matter how many hours have passed by him. Unanswered thoughts filled his head, 'What did he mean that Dan rejected him?', 'What happened to them?', 'Didn't Dan love him too?' It was painful to think over and over, curiosity was eating him from the inside out. Just what happened to them?

A week slowly passed, and it was after New Year's when Dan finally awoke. But with Dan waking up, it only meant a harder life for him. Upon waking up, and upon seeing his brother, Phil, he couldn't help but cry hard. He was ashamed, he was hurt, and he was broken. That Christmas night was something he could never forget, and he couldn't do anything about it. He wished that he didn't live to see the next morning, but he also wished to see Phil... and seeing him was above everything else.

            'Why aren't you eating, Dan?' Phil asked as he took hold of Dan's bowl.

Dan just stared blankly at the open space. Phil sighed and took a spoonful of porridge into his mouth, his younger brother was a bit surprised with his sudden action but he just gave a smile,

            'Now I know why you don't have the appetite... this taste awful' he chuckled

Dan just looked at him with lifeless eyes. Phil couldn't take it...

            'Tomorrow... I'll bring you homemade food. You must've missed my cooking' he tried to joke, but when he looked at Dan, it looked like it made him more upset.

            'Oh... Was I wrong?' he tried to maintain his smile. 'I'm sorry...'

Dan shook his head slowly then lied down his bed and turned away from him,

            'I-I'll look forward to the food...'

It made Phil's smile come back, 'Sure thing, Dan'

Dan tried to hide the pain he was feeling in his chest. He was happy that Phil thought about making food for him... but it was too damn depressing to think that he was right... Dan did miss his cooking.

The following day, Dan awoke to find himself a bouquet of carnations which most were colored green. It was brought in by his nurse, one of the few who were kind to look at him as a human.

            'A guy left it outside your room, so I took it in. Do you think he might have had the wrong room?' the nurse asked.

Dan was left to stare at the bouquet that had flowers he knew well, carnations of the color green that had him mesmerized before...

            'Do you want me to throw it for you?' The nurse took hold of the bouquet and she noticed something fell from it. As she picked it up, they learned that it was a letter.

            She gave it to him and said, 'Here... read it. It might just be yours...' she smiled then left the bouquet of carnations to Dan and went on her way.

He just sat there staring at the letter the nurse left on his lap. Ever since he woke up from his short term coma, Anthony was nowhere to be found. The realization of it made him have blank thoughts. He didn't know if he was happy or sad... or maybe a bit of both?

Suddenly the door opened, and came in Phil with a lunch box in his hand.

            ‘Hey Dan, sorry I'm late... I've made you breakfast'

             His eyes fixated on the bouquet as he looked at Dan, he noticed that his brother looked depressed even more that moment. He walked towards him and placed the lunchbox on the bed and took the bouquet from his younger brother.

            'Who are these from?' he asked, but Dan didn't make a sound. He just continued to stare blankly at Phil.

Phil sighed and sat down at the chair beside Dan's bed, when he looked at his brother he noticed that he was looking down on his lap. There, he saw a letter. Without hesitation Phil took it. But suddenly, Dan grabs hold of his hand. His brother’s hand was cold and rather weak on his grip, Phil looked at Dan who was staring at him. His eyes were telling him not to look at the letter, but Phil couldn't take it. He wanted to know what made Dan look so miserable even more. Just when Phil had opened the letter, Dan suddenly took it from him.

            'I-I'm going to read it...' Dan said with his weak voice. Phil couldn't do anything anymore.

Upon reading the very first line, Dan knew his conclusion was on the spot.

 

            'Danny,

 

                        I'm sorry. I'm so sorry... I'm leaving, and you won't see me ever again'

 

That was enough to tell Dan that he had lost a genuine friend that day... and he's never going to get a chance to take him back anymore. He understood it. And it just left him crying as he sat on his bed.


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being confined in the hospital for a month, Dan was finally permitted to go home. But whatever his state was in the hospital, it wasn’t much different to how he was at home. Phil continued to stay strong in order to help his younger brother fight through his delusions.

Dan was confined in the hospital for one month. Their mother came from Florida to care for him but because of the expenses she needed to get back to Florida to continue working and help Phil pay for the bills, so she once again left Dan in Phil's hands.

            'Don't blame yourself Phil, no one wanted this to happen' it kept on repeating in his head. The last thing their mother said before she left. Just how could he not blame himself? He thought...

It has been days since Dan came home from the hospital, and unfortunately they haven't had any normal conversation since the incident happened. Phil felt his heart break bit by bit seeing his younger brother in that state. He wanted to do anything; he wanted to do everything just to make him forget, but he was powerless. He was lost and puzzled. What could he possibly do to make Dan forget everything?

During the day, Phil would do his best to talk his brother to eat breakfast even just a single toast. It was hard, but he had to go to work and leave Dan alone... and before he could say farewell, Dan would just lock himself inside his bedroom. He'll be in there until Phil comes back home. At dinner, it would always be persuading him to eat.

Dan was normal, as how he could manage to be, in the morning. The real problem is during the night, more specifically midnight, when Dan would scream in pain from a nightmare. Phil would run to him as quickly as possible to help him calm down.

            'D-Don't come near me!!' Dan sobbed, 'PLEASE! DON'T!'

            'Dan, it's me! Don't be afraid, it's only me... Phil' He tried to grab hold of Dan, but he started to cry a lot more loudly and as he gripped Phil's arms tightly he started to beat him.

            'LEAVE ME ALONE!!' he cried painfully, and Phil, having too many bruise that had lingering pains, had to wait right beside his brother’s bed for him to calm. It can't be helped, he thought. He needed to endure everything... and it wasn't the bruise that pained him, but the thought that he couldn't get near him, not even a brush of his skin to his, without Dan starting to panic.

            'Dan's state is going bad to worse', his doctor told Phil when he was still confined. A hospital confine isn't helping him recover, so he decided to send Dan home.

            'Due to the high amount of electricity his body had endured for more than a couple of minutes, there was a change in the circulation of blood flow of the brain. The signals that come from the brain to the eyes have been disturbed.

            'And to make it worse, those drugs, the ones that have been used on him, are causing a major role in this. They've ruptured his mind, entirely...

            'He's gone under psychiatric tests and as I concurred, he's having hallucinations, recaps of the scene that night, from trauma. If you need any help, call me immediately. If having him home isn't helping either, I'll think of another way'

It went on for weeks and Phil had gone back to the hospital for a couple of times, because Dan needed more dose of his medicine to keep him relaxed at night.

            'If nothing changes in Dan for two more weeks I'll think of another way, Phil' Doctor Liguori, Dan's doctor, said as he reported about how his younger brother was doing.

            'I'll do my best to help him doc' Phil spoke weakly, tired from another sleepless night from watching over his brother.

            'I'll drop by when I can to check on him personally. Let me call you when I do so'

Phil nodded and thanked the doctor, before leaving his office Phil took a quick glance at the wall clock to find out that it was already quarter to three. He had been thirteen minutes late for his appointment with his own doctor.

He ran to his office as fast as he could, which was located on the next building, and when he got there he promptly apologized for being late, and told his doctor that he had an appointment with Doctor Liguori. After being apologizing for being late, they continued to his body checkup, which to his disappointment didn't give good results.

            'What have you been doing, Phil? Your blood levels are low you can't become anemic, do you want to get weak?' Phil shook his head, as if he was being scolded by his mother, he couldn't look at his doctor. 'And your arms are bruised; you know how bad it could get.'

            'I just had a few carelessness, you know, stumbling down from few steps up the stairs' he tried to chuckle but his doctor remained expressionless.

            'Falling down the stairs should've given you a blood clot in your head; it could have killed you already, Philip' he sounded impatient, but as Phil was busy staring at his knees, unable to speak further, he heard the doctor sigh.

            'Have you been getting hurt by your brother?' he asked plainly, Phil didn't answer. 'You need to stop getting more bruised, Phil. It's bad for you. Think about getting a blow on your critical points, it will kill you instantly' his doctor spoke concerned. 'You're health's getting worse, you need to think this through'

            'But I can't just leave him, he's my brother' Phil stated

            'The hospital will take good care of him, I assure you'

Phil continued to disagree as he shook his head, 'I can't'

His doctor sighed once more with great worry, as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Pushing his spectacles on right position, he looked as Phil and said, 'Alright, I won't bug you anymore, but given your condition, please promise me that you'll do everything to make him stop hurting you?'

            'Yes, I'll try... I promise'

His doctor nodded and gave a faint smile, 'If you need any help please don't hesitate to call the hospital. We will assist you very well'

Even though he promised his doctor that he'd do everything to stop Dan, it was worthless. The only thing he could do to avoid getting hurt was watch from the sidelines and wait for his younger brother to regain his self-control from being too exhausted.

It had been after a few more days of battling Dan's nightmares, when Phil had finally found something that would help ease his brother's worries. Like how they had, Phil played his most treasured classical piano music. Calming down, Dan would sit at the window sill and stay quietly still as he could possibly be. It was a pitiful state to look at, but he couldn't do anything else. Coming up with that idea was already hard for him, thinking for another way would be much more troublesome.

Sunday morning, was spontaneously occupied when Phil called Dan's doctor urgently because Dan went into another episode last night, he cried and wailed for hours nonstop, curling himself like a ball on his bed. Phil didn't know what to do, and being exhausted from another night, he decided that it was time to call for help. When Phil had been able to contact Doctor Liguori, he quickly – without taking any air – told everything that happened that night.

The doctor was certainly not pleased about his report, as he has been hoping that Dan would be doing better at home. Nevertheless, he planned to arrive at their house early in the morning. And right after breakfast hour, as how they he planned, the apartment's doorbell rang.

            'Now Phil, I'm just going to have a quick evaluation on Dan. Is it alright to ask for help when needed?' he asked as they stood right in front of Dan's bedroom door.

            'Of course' Phil didn't hesitate, he just silently wished that his younger brother wouldn't throw a fit or else he's going to get scolded again by his own doctor.

When the doctor said he wanted to begin the session, Phil knocked on Dan's door as how he would always do. A few seconds of still quietness, he decided to open the door. The curtains were drawn, the room looked dark on a sunny morning, and there were a lot of scattered papers upon the floor and on the bed. There were bed sheets too, messy and full of ink. As their eyes wandered upon Dan, they found him on the bed, sitting still and whole body covered in his clean spare of bed sheet.

            'Is it always this messy in his room?' asked the doctor

            'No, only when 'that' happens as it did so last night'

The doctor shook his head, disappointed at the sight of Dan. A few moments of standing still, he decided to start walking towards him. 'Dan, it's me Doctor Liguori' he introduced as he walked.

Dan looked at him, with his blank expressionless face. He was always like this during the day. It had been somewhat normal to Phil, even though it made him feel upset and uneasy. He wanted to see him smile again, just like how he used to.

            'How are you?' he continued to speak as he stopped, right in front of the bed.

            'I'm fine' Dan answered weakly as he stared to the doctor.

            'Well that's good to know...' he smiled before he continued, 'your brother, Phil, told me you did this to your room last night... is that correct?'

            'I... I guess so. My body aches all over, and my head feels a lot painful than ever' he tried to explain            

            'Don't worry, Dan. It's normal, you just need some rest' he smiled and then he asked, 'So why did you?' to which, Dan replied with a shrug.

            'Did you see them? Last night?' Doctor Liguori asked carefully, but Dan just stared at him with his empty and lifeless eyes. 'Were they in here?' he continued to ask, there were few seconds that passed before Dan shook his head. 'You did not see them?'

A few more seconds and Dan muttered weakly, 'I saw them'

            'If they were not in here, then where were they, Dan?'

            'They – that – that – awful place' he stuttered as his lips quivered

            'Stop, he's terrified' Phil said as he walked towards the doctor, but he just shook his head and continued to speak to Dan.

            'How did they get you?' he asked

            'They didn't...' he gasped, 'they took him – I followed' he started to shiver

            'Who did they take? Why did you follow them, Dan? I told you before, you shouldn't follow them and you shouldn't think of them'

            'But they've got him!' he shouted 'They've got Phil! I saw him!' he started to sob again. As Phil heard his name, he quickly went beside his brother and with a pleading tone he said, 'I'm right here, Dan! They didn't get me, they were never here!' he said then he grabbed Dan's shoulders.

            'No – they got you – tied you – kittens – the cat' Dan pushed him away and started to cry even harder. Phil was about to go to his side again, but Doctor Liguori stopped him from doing so and instead, he sat beside Dan.

            'Dan, they were never there. It's all in your head' Doctor Liguori told him in a very passive tone, as if luring him into sleep.

            'I know... I know that I must remind myself that they are not real. They were already locked up, they couldn't get near me. I know very well, and I will never forget about it.' Dan bit his shaking lip and then he continued, 'but last night, it felt so damn real, it felt so real that I was there, that it was happening. I just... just can't stop myself' he continued to sob.

The doctor rubbed circles onto his back then he turned to Phil and asked him to take Dan's sleeping pills. As Phil got back with a glass of water and Dan's pills, the doctor continued to speak in his passive tone.

            'Now Dan, I want you to take this. It'll help you ease your body pain. It must've been hard last night, you trashed your room' he said as he gave Dan his pills followed by the glass.

            'Now, I want you to just lie down, nice and easy. Just relax...' he directed as Dan followed willingly, beads of tears still on the corner of his eyes. And with one last look on Phil, he closed his eyes and slowly he drifted to sleep.

When both of them were sure he was fast asleep, they left Dan's room and proceeded to the living room, where they sat down. Phil tried to offer him tea, but the doctor kindly refused for he said that the talk was a lot more important than a drink.

            'He's bringing you into his hallucinations, Phil. And this is a very bad thing... not only is he afraid of his attackers, but now he's also afraid of you being hurt'

            'How do we stop this?'

            'We might need to take him back, Phil. He just needs to be away from you for a while'

            'Why? I don't want him gone, I want him to stay here... you said it yourself, hospital confines aren't working'

The doctor sighed, 'I know, but at least we get a hold of him. You can't leave him unattended for now; his hallucinations are getting worse and by the looks of it,' he paused then looked at Phil 'you're too exhausted... you can't get sick yourself, you know?'                        

            'I'm fine, don't worry about me doctor'

Both of them sighed in great devastation, 'Okay, alright... I'll be having him stay here for a little longer. I don't think he would like to leave too, but I will make more frequent visits from time to time. I'll let you know' he patted Phil's shoulder.

            'Is he going to stay like that? I mean, his state right now... is he going to stay like that?' he asked trying to look less concerned than how he really feel. But it didn't work on Doctor Liguori, he knew how much Phil is concerned much more than he is.

            'Fortunately no, it's just that his hallucinations linger from time to time. You need to expect from now on that your brother will be there and a moment later he'll be gone again.' Phil raised his eyebrow, and to which the doctor understood,

            'It means that his delusions gets mixed up with reality a lot more now, he'll talk with you normally now then a bit later he'll be shouting or crying for no reason again. You just need to endure more, but he'll get back to his senses after waking up. You just need to make sure he takes his medicines right on time and with the right dose'

Phil understood, and he was left with no other choice but to nod slowly. The doctor gave him a kind smile and then he stood up, Phil followed. It was time for him to leave. 'Thank you very much for your time, Doctor Liguori' Phil said as he walked the doctor right outside his apartment.

            'You are very most welcome, Phil' he then turned and started to walk.

When Phil was just about to close the door, he saw the doctor quickly turning back with his pointing finger up, and his mouth opened as he was about to say something,

            'Ah—' he started, but failed for Phil spoke first before him.

            'I will, I guarantee you, clean his room. He does it most of the time, but I'll let him rest for now' Phil gave a smile, which Doctor Liguori gladly gave back as he nodded and strutted along the corridor. As his shadow faded, Phil closed the door and went in.

As promised, he made his way to Dan's bedroom. Once he got in, he checked on Dan, he was as how they left him, sleeping soundly on his bed. Suddenly, Phil felt a painful throb in his heart. His younger brother was thinking about him, he tried to save him in his dream and it was a painful thing to think about.

            Just when he was about to start to pick up mess on the floor, Phil heard his name being called again with a soft and weak voice from the bed, 'Phil...' Dan called.

            'Yes, Daniel?' he replied, even though he knew that Dan was still asleep. He couldn't help himself, the pain in his chest throbbed painfully, and then he sat down on his bedside and held his brother's cold, pale and thin hand.

            'I'm right here, Dan. Don't worry about me, I'm alright' he held his hand firmly.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey pals! Thanks for reading until the end of this part!
> 
> Alsoooo, this is going to be a twenty two (or twenty three idk) part story. I'll be posting regularly. Every 3-4 days tops.
> 
> I hope you support this story. Kudos and comments are highly appreciated. Thank you!


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